


Only You Can Set My Heart On Fire

by Witch_of_agnesi



Series: Firefighters [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Firefighters, Angst, Bullying, Canon-Typical Violence, Falling In Love, Fire, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Hurt, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:28:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24439705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witch_of_agnesi/pseuds/Witch_of_agnesi
Summary: A Ben and Callum Firefighter AUCallum is new to the fire service and has been posted to Walford Fire Station where Ben Mitchell is the brash, cocky and oh so brave captain of Green Watch.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Firefighters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886296
Comments: 75
Kudos: 231





	1. Chapter 1

Callum sat in the car, nervously looking at the building in front of him. First day, first shift in his new station, and to be honest he felt a little sick, butterflies churning in his stomach and hands shaking. Walford fire station came with its own reputation - and the station commander, Mick Carter, was renowned within the local fire fighting community for his hard line take on rules, but also his fearlessness and bravery when out on a call. You didn’t get the chance to work at Walford fire station very often - people just didn’t want to leave and opportunities were few and far between and highly fought over. Callum had spent the last week both being ridiculously excited about the prospect of today and simultaneously being seriously scared by it.

He had just finished his 8 week training programme, finishing top of the latest group of recruits. Following the passing out ceremony, Callum had received his letter with his station allocation and had ended up sitting by himself in the main hall, just rereading the name over and over again in sheer disbelief. Long after everyone else had gone, he had been aware of someone sitting down next to him and turning his head he saw the Deputy Commissioner, who had been invited to the ceremony. Normally he wouldn’t have even dreamed of what he did next, but he was so confused it just came out. “Surely there’s been a mistake, Sir?” He had asked, holding the letter out.  
The commissioner had taken the letter, looked it over and then simply handed it back. “No mistake, Highway,” he had said. When Callum had just gaped at him, his eyes softened. “You were impeccable during training, Highway, just what the service is looking for. Someone just retired at Walford and they requested a rookie. The best new firefighter we could offer them. You fit the bill, so just go and enjoy yourself, learn from the best of the best and who knows, in a few years you could be training the next new intake.”

Callum had gone home still shell shocked. He’d never fit in, at home or at school, and had worked so hard to prove that he could and should be better than what everyone told him he was. This whole situation felt surreal, dreamlike, and even now, sitting outside Walford Fire Station, letter and documentation clasped in a slightly sweaty hand, he couldn’t, didn’t, truly believe it was happening to him.

Eventually he plucked up enough courage to gather himself together and slid out of the car. He hurried towards the entrance to the station, searching for the door handle to let himself in. Seconds later, he heard a woman’s voice, with an undertone of laughter, calling out to him, “doors open, come straight in!”. It still took him a few more seconds to realise that on the balmiest April day he could remember in London, the station had obviously opened their glass doors wide and he somehow had missed that fact and had been pointlessly trying to search for a way to enter the building through an already open door. By now bright red and suitably embarrassed, he finally made it into the reception area and approached the desk, where a young woman, pretty, with red hair and currently sporting an amused smile, was leaning over the counter watching him.  
“Can I help you?” She enquired, eyes twinkling at him.  
Callum took a deep breath, trying to pull himself together before this whole opportunity imploded in front of him and managed to squeak out, “I’m new to this….. I’m the rookie….. I mean….. I’m the new team member, I’m here to see Commander Carter.”

The woman looked him up and down and pulled out a piece of paper. “What’s your name?”  
“Callum… Callum Highway,” he stuttered, the usual feelings of I can’t do this, why am I here, they’re gonna figure out I’m not worthy, starting to run through his mind.  
The girl didn’t seem to notice, running her finger down the list in front of her and grinning at him. “Callum, right, got ya. Let me take you to the Commander. I’m Whitney by the way,” she said, smiling and holding her hand out. Callum shook it, feeling dazed, and followed Whitney through the coded door and into what looked like a maze of corridors. Muffled chatter could be heard coming from a room down the far end and there were doors and windows leading off to offices, locker rooms and the all important control room. Whitney was chatting to him still, but he didn't take much notice until she stopped outside a closed door, knocked smartly and when a loud “come in!” sounded out, pushed open the door and shepherded him in.

Sitting at the desk at the far side of the room was a man he recognised from the photos at the training centre (and maybe the google stalking he had done over the last week), Mick Carter. Tall, with dark hair and eyes, he bestowed a smile on Whitney as she introduced Callum and gestured for him to sit down in the chair opposite. Whitney gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder before leaving him alone and for a second, Callum wished she could have stayed, hers was the first friendly face he felt he had seen in ages. But he knew he had to deal with this situation himself if he wanted to make a go of his dream career, so he took a calming breath and sat in the indicated chair, sliding his paperwork over the table and then clasping his hands nervously in his lap and looking over at the man in front of him.

After looking over his documentation, Carter steepled his fingers in front of his chin and let his gaze sweep over Callum’s face. “So, tell me why you wanted to become a firefighter,” he said, head tilted to one side like he was actually interested in Callum’s answer.  
Callum had thought and planned out so many scenarios for how his first meeting with Mick Carter would go but this had never come up in his musings. He faltered, unsure of how to respond, but noticing that the dark eyes in front of him were regarding him not with scorn but with interest and intelligence he decided to be as upfront as he was willing to be. “I wanted to do something worthwhile with my life, I wanted to make a difference. Growing up I never had many chances to do anything that would matter, but when I was at school I looked into lots of different things, the police, the army, counselling. One of my teachers at school knew someone at their local fire station and I did work experience there when I was 17, it was the best experience of my life and I knew that was what I wanted to do when I was older. Seeing how they helped people and made a difference to the local community and…. My dad - he wasn’t keen on all the training I would have to do extra so I went into the Army for a few years, But when I left and I had the chance to do what I wanted to do, firefighting was my first choice.”

Carter was looking at him, watching him babble on and when Callum eventually wound down, his face broke into a smile for the first time since the meeting had started. “Well, I hope you’ll fit in here, we work hard but everyone here is the best of the best and I think you are what we need to round us out.” He shuffled his papers around, slid over Callum’s ID badge and picked up the phone from his desk. “Brown, can you come down to my office, please?” he said into it, and then turned his attention back to Callum. “You’re on Green watch and this is their first day shift in their rota pattern. I’ve asked for the leading firefighter to take you around, show you the ropes, introduce you to the rest of the team, and anything else you need. Remember, I’m also here to help if you need anything your watch leader can’t help you with and I’ll be meeting with you to monitor your training programme once a month, but for now, let’s get you into this.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Callum shook the offered hand and, mimicking Carter, stood up just as there was a sharp knock on the door, which opened to reveal a tall, skinny ginger man with kind eyes and a warm smile. Callum was dispatched into his care and taken back out into the maze of Walford fire station.  
The young man gave Callum a grin, “nice to have you finally here, l’m Jay Brown,” he introduced himself with a handshake.  
“Callum Highway,” Callum replied, feeling like he had finally found somewhere where he could fit in and be part of something. Jay seemed nice, friendly, approachable, but with a hint of steel in his green eyes that showed a depth of character and Callum instantly liked him.  
“Yeah, mate, been looking over your paperwork all week,” Jay grinned at him and at Callum’s instantaneously worried jerk backwards he softened his words, “nothing to worry about, honestly, our watch captain just wanted to get the lowdown on our new team member, we’ve been looking forward to meeting you. Come on, I’ll take you to your locker and bunk room and then we’ll go to the kitchen where the rest of the crew are to meet them before I take you to get your full uniform.”  
Callum followed him through the corridor back to a room of lockers where he was given his own to leave his belongings whilst on shift and then shown the bunk rooms which he would share whilst on night shift, but to be honest, the idea of meeting the rest of his watch mates was preying too much on his mind for him to take much notice of it. He knew he would have to come back later when he was calmer to look over things again but for now all he wanted to do was see the other firefighters he would be working with day in and day out.  
Jay ushered him down to the far end of the corridor he had initially come into and as they drew nearer the chatting became louder and Callum could see that the room at the end was a kitchen. Five people were sitting around the table, a girl with bright blonde hair in a ponytail, three men, one with very dark hair and stubble, one very tall with blonde-brown hair and the third a short Asian man with a neat beard, and another girl, with long dark hair. When Jay entered the room, they all stopped what they were doing and looked up. Callum took a deep breath, but they were all grinning at him. Jay gestured for him to sit down and then introduced them all - Lola, the blonde girl and Dotty with dark hair, and Martin, Peter and Vinny. The dark haired man, Martin, offered Callum a cup of tea and as he stood up Jay stole his chair and grabbed a digestive biscuit from the plate in the middle. “Where is our esteemed watch leader,” he asked the others. “Then Callum has met all of us and can decide if he wants to stay or request a transfer!”  
“He’ll be in soon,” the blonde-brown haired man, Peter, grumbled. “Been doing a check on how we stashed our equipment, like we can’t tidy up after ourselves or something.”

“Well, you know, it’s always useful to check out the hoses, gotta make sure they are in proper and straight working order. You know what they say, hoses before bros.”  
A new voice drawled from the doorway, causing Jay to spit out his biscuit over the table. “Really, man, the new guy is here….” he exclaimed.  
Unsure of what he would see, Callum turned around slowly. And then, all he could see was blue.


	2. Chapter 2

The end of the first four day and night shift rota found Callum in the uniform storage room, sorting out the various equipment that Green watch used. It was coming up to 7am and the majority of the team were grabbing the last few hours of sleep before they were replaced at 9am and had the next four days to recover. Callum had been too keyed up to sleep on his first two night shifts and had volunteered to do the uniform check before Green watch signed off. It gave him time to think about the past four days, about what had gone on and his new teammates. To be honest, he had had quite an easy run into his first rota of shifts, there had been no real emergencies and he had been on station duty to get used to all the rules and regulations. It had also given him time to get to know the people he was working with. Jay, second in command of Green Watch, and Lola, who was Jay’s girlfriend, had made him feel incredibly welcome from the start. Lola was always there with a smile and a welcoming comment, never making him feel like he was boring her or being a burden, Martin and Peter were more reserved, but they still made him feel welcome to the team and Vinny and Dotty, obviously best friends, took a little longer to get to know but were slowly starting to warm up to him. It was the Watch Captain, Ben Mitchell, who was the biggest enigma to Callum.

He was thinking about Ben, _again_ , as he sorted through the uniforms in front of him. Ever since that first meeting in the kitchen, a laden comment followed by a firm handshake and an obvious once over, Callum couldn’t seem to get Ben out of his mind. Short, stocky, with unruly brown hair that made Callum want to run his fingers through it and the most incredibly mesmerising blue eyes that he had ever seen had permeated into Callum’s every thought. He wasn’t stupid - Ben Mitchell was one of the most gorgeous men he had ever seen, but Callum had only recently come out and Ben made him nervous, more nervous than he had been around anybody in his life. The thing was, Ben wasn’t just gorgeous, he was sharp, sarcastic, cocky, arrogant and annoying but he was also brave, fearless and a great leader of his watch. And he made Callum embarrassed, but made him laugh in equal measures and he didn’t know how to handle that. He didn’t even know if Ben was gay, let alone interested in someone like him. Part of him was looking forward to the next four days off, to regain his equilibrium around the captain and start afresh next week, cooler and confident, at least, that was what he was aiming for.

“Well, haven’t you done a good job of polishing those helmets,” a low voice drawled, causing Callum to jolt and drop the jacket he was folding, spluttering in embarrassment. Turning around, he saw Ben leaning against the door frame, looking at him in obvious amusement. “Easy tiger,” he grinned and pushed off the frame, coming into the room and sitting on a bench opposite Callum. “I just wanted to check in with you about how your first week has gone?”

“It’s been good,” Callum replied, trying to keep eye contact with Ben, but eventually ducking his head, knowing that his cheeks were starting to go red. “I mean, everyone has been so welcoming to me, it’s been really nice.”

“That’s good to hear. What are your plans for the next few days? Got any offers to climb your ladder or put your hose skills to the test, if you know what I mean?”

Callum spluttered a little at that, still unsure of just how to take the teasing. “Just going to recover I think, catch up on sleep,” he said eventually, deciding to avoid the comment but being well aware that not only were his cheeks red but his ears were starting to heat up too.

Ben smiled genuinely. “It gets easier the more you do shift work. Trust me, I couldn’t sleep on rota at all when I first started in the service, but now look at me, regular Sleeping Beauty!” He patted Callum on the shoulder. “Take care of yourself,” he said as he left Callum alone.

It was this that confused Callum, he pondered as he drove home that morning. Ben went from teasing to friendly concern in zero to sixty and it intrigued him. Since he’d come out he’d not met anyone that piqued his interest, but Ben was different.

Callum’s second set of shifts soon came around and Ben was right, it was starting to get easier, to fall into place. On that bright Monday morning, the second day of their rota, he was sitting in the kitchen with Martin and Dotty, discussing the ending of their current obsession on Netflix, when Ben came into the kitchen. “Hey, Kermit, hop over here will ya,” he called Callum and when he rolled his eyes but approached the team captain, he was greeted by a typical Ben smirk.

“I’ve gotta go to the care home in Walford today to do a fire talk, I want you to come with me and do it.”

Callum looked at him for a second, sure he’d read the rota correctly this week. “Isn’t Vinny down for community work this week?” He ventured gingerly.

Ben shook his head, and for a second Callum couldn’t work out if he was joking or annoyed with him. Then Ben raised his eyebrows and winked at him. “I’d rather spend the time with you than with Vinny to be honest, he really hates doing anything like this and it makes me annoyed too and then everything goes tits up. You, however,” and here he swiped his eyes up and down over Callum’s tall form, “the old biddies will love you, so I’m onto a winner. Come on Cal, I’ll make it up to you somehow…”

Callum knew that as his captain, Ben could make him do the community job anyway, but the prospect of spending the day with Ben and Ben alone made his stomach turn flips. He had also noticed the casual use of the nickname and the track of Ben’s eyes had made his stomach turn flips. He didn’t want to seem too eager though, so he pretended to think about it for a while. “Fine, I’ll help you out, when are we going?”

Half an hour later found Callum in the passenger seat of Ben’s car, music on, listening to Ben singing along to whatever was on the radio. He tried to avert his eyes, but they kept on creeping back to the man sitting next to him. He remembered the way Ben had raked his eyes over his body earlier, trying to suppress the flash of heat in his stomach at being the subject of scrutiny of those beautiful blue eyes. Ben was only sizing him up for the community work, he knew that, knew that he had already gained the reputation of being kind, friendly, _soft_ , the voice that wouldn’t shut up added on, but he could still hope. He was brought back to reality by the realisation that Ben was repeatedly saying his name, glancing over at him when it was safe to do so.

“You were in a right dream there, Callum,” he teased.

“Sorry,” Callum scrubbed a hand over his face. “I was just thinking… what did you say.”

“Just wondered if you were OK to do the talk. I kinda threw you in at the deep end.”

Callum shook his head at his captain. “You know I did well at the school chats during training, Jay said you’d all seen my paperwork, how different is this going to be?” Luckily they had stopped in traffic, for Ben looked right over at him, a large grin on his face and again raked his eyes over Callum’s face and body - he knew he was turning red again by how hot his cheeks and ears felt. “Really, Cal, you have no idea! Just wait and see….”

Callum was used to the community blurb by now, go in, be approachable, talk about what to do and not to do in fires and then ask for questions, although he had mainly done schools in his training up to now and the questions the kids asked ranged from how fast the fire engine went to if there was a Mrs Highway. However there were 2 main differences in today’s talk - the audience were older and there was an enigmatic man leaning on the door frame scrutinising his every move. The talk did go well, it always did for Callum, everyone seemed to love him although he wasn’t sure why, and at the end, it took him at least half an hour to get out of the room as the ladies wanted to talk to him, touch his hand, ask him when he would be coming back to talk to them. Callum remembered his granddad, the only family member who had actually seemed to care about him, and so he took as much time as possible with the residents, only leaving when he was sure they had all finished fawning over him. He found Ben sitting in the main office, feet up, cup of tea and biscuits in front of him, with his normal cocky grin on his face. When Callum came into the office he tilted his face towards him. “Still in one piece then?” He enquired. “Like vultures they are, show them a pretty face and a kind heart and you have them in the palm of your hand!”

“Ben!” Callum protested, ignoring the fact that Ben had called him pretty. “They just wanted someone to talk to.”

“You’re too kind. You’re now going to have to do this all the time you know, they won’t want anyone else from the station, just the tall handsome firefighter with the blue Bambi eyes.”

But when they were in the car, on the way back to the station and Callum was finally feeling less warm from all the ‘compliments’, Ben turned towards him and said in a soft voice, “you did well there, Callum.”

“Thanks,” Callum returned just as softly, realisation of what was happening starting to sink into his bones, inescapable and welcome. _You like him._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains description of a fire and rescue - although it’s only a drill. If you want to avoid, skip the first part and start reading from “in the end the team finished the drill...”

Another few weeks had passed and Callum was settling well into Walford fire station and Green Watch. Things were going great with the firefighting, a place where he could finally be himself and not be worried about how anyone felt about him. They had had a few minor fires to deal with and one larger one with an appliance from another station. After that incident, both Ben and Mick Carter had patted him on the back and told him he would fit in well with Walford station, and that had caused him to well up in his car on the way home. The community part of the job had also been going well, and of course he had his training to keep up with. It was one of the most enjoyable times of his life.

Today was the first training drill Callum had participated in since the start of his tenure. Jay had filled him in on what sort of things he could expect to happen and he had then spent the rest of the time until the drill dreading it. He knew what Ben was like by now and he had heard so many tales of things Ben had done in the line of duty and being a naturally nervous person it made him anxious. Dotty had giggled at him the day before when he’d seen the rota and noticed the drill for the second team on green watch. “Best get the first one over and done with, Ben’ll leave you alone after that,” she’d advised him.

So now he was sitting in the kitchen, stirring a cup of coffee over and over and waiting for the siren that sounded the start of the drill. Peter was calmly picking the chocolate off a Jaffa cake and Jay and Lola had been taking the mickey out of him since they had entered, obviously old pros at this. The siren sounding was almost a relief to him at this stage.

Outside in the courtyard Ben had set the drill up, a building which had fire coming out of its windows - even though Callum knew it was controlled, he could still feel the adrenaline start to pump through his veins. Ben gave them the information - house fire, two people trapped - and then left them to it, standing with a stopwatch and a smirk on his face. Callum noticed Whitney had come out of the reception area to watch as well, Callum had a horrid thought it was to see him. He got on well with Whitney, she was lovely, but she had also made it obvious she was interested in more than he was willing to offer her and it made him feel uncomfortable. As he dived into the building behind Jay, Peter and Lola he could hear her clapping and cheering and wasn’t quite sure if he heard an exasperated response from Ben or if he had imagined it.

Jay was in charge of team 2; he, Lola and Peter had gelled well with Callum over the past month and they now operated like a well oiled engine. Jay and Peter worked on putting out the fire whilst Lola and Callum searched for the missing people. It didn’t take them long to find Dotty and Vinny hiding behind one of the doors at the back and as they brought them out it was clear that Jay and Peter had things under control. Of course, that was when Ben’s voice came over the radio. “Hey, we’ve just found out there’s a poor cat trapped in there too, better hurry up and find him.”

“A cat?” Callum said incredulously before he could stop himself. “You’re joking, right, a cat would just jump out the window or something?”

“Better send Callum back,” Ben said, the tone in his voice suggesting he was enjoying this way too much. 

“You heard him,” Jay huffed and gestured for Callum to go.

With a roll of his eyes Callum set back off into the building. Lola and he had searched the first few rooms so he left them alone and looked through the rest. He didn’t even know what he was looking for and was just about to give up when he spotted a shadow on the windowsill in the very back room. Stomping up to it, he could see it was a stuffed toy, a tiger with a big pink glittery bow that he assumed belonged to one of Martin’s kids.

He rolled his eyes at the toy. “You’ve got to be kidding me, right?” He grumbled, snatching it up. As the fire jets were all at the front of the building it was unscathed and so he made his way back out of the building where the other three members of his team were standing, hands on hips, waiting for him to appear. When they saw what Callum was carrying, Jay threw his hands in the air and turned to glare at a laughing Ben.

Callum deposited the toy next to Dotty and Vinny, who were sitting on a wall with drinks and crisps and laughing at them and rejoined his team. He hoped they were finished but the look on Ben’s face and the way he was tapping the watch made him know they were not done.

“You’ve only got three casualties out,” Ben told them, tutting.

“You only told us of three,” Jay responded, eyes narrowed.

“Well, I’m telling you of the fourth one now. And times passing.... tick.. tick…. got to get it done in less than 30 minutes or it’ll have to be laps to improve your personal fitness.” Ben said, eyes crinkling with obvious amusement.

Callum suddenly noticed two things, one that Ben had flipped a switch and flames were shooting out of the front of their station tower and two, Martin was standing at the top, calling down, in fake dramatics and with a hand pressed to his head like a damsel in distress. “Help me, oh brave firefighters, I am stuck and can not get down!”

Lola shook her head at Ben, and he responded by smirking and tapping his watch again. Jay turned to Callum. “Right, get yourself up the ladders and rescue him, we’ll put the fire out.”

“What, me?” Callum spluttered.

“Yeah. You’re the tallest and quickest and you’ll be able to lift Martin better than us at speed. We’ve gotta get this done. Ben will be ridiculous if it takes us longer than 30 minutes.”

“Too right,” Ben himself interjected. “Better get those skills to good use, Callum. I bet you’ve got great potential at climbing things.”

Getting a laughing Martin down was easier than it first sounded and Callum could even ignore Whitney’s catcalls and the look Ben was giving him as he handled the tall fireman as confidently as he could.

In the end the team finished the drill in 29 minutes and were allowed to go and tidy up, much to Callum’s relief. Jay patted his shoulder. “They get easier. Next month Ben will have forgotten how much he likes to wind you up and he’ll just get us to put out a fire or something boring, none of this role play malarkey he’s pulled out for today.”

“He’s just showing off,” Lola added with a grin.

“Nah, Lo, you know how much I love doing these drills,” Ben himself had entered the room and he gestured to Callum. “I need to check in with Cal if that’s ok?”

The others left and Callum stayed sitting on a bench in the locker room, trying to gauge Ben’s mood and not quite being able to read him

“So, your first month over with, how have you found it?” Ben eventually asked.

This was the Ben that he really liked, the one that was interested in him and how he was doing and stopped trying to embarrass him. “It’s been great,” Callum enthused. “Being here, being with you guys, learning from you, I’ve really enjoyed it.”

“Good, glad we measure up ok. Anyways, now you’ve done your first month, you’re officially one of us and we have a tradition for newbies, an initiation if you like. And so yours will be on Friday night as that’s luckily one of our days off. Text me your address and I’ll sort out your transport.” 

“What do ya mean, initiation?” Callum enquired.

“Now that would spoil the surprise!” He indicated for Callum to text him, not noticing or ignoring the sudden wave of panic that flashed through the older man.

“What if I have plans already,” he asked, trying to hide the uncertainty about the whole situation and ignoring the whole text your address thing for as long as he could.

“Tough luck, rearrange them. Fire station business comes first, and you have to be initiated or else you’re not a proper member of Green watch.” Ben was still smirking at him and Callum cursed the fact that he couldn’t say no to this infuriating but intriguing man.

“Fine, I guess I’ll see you there then…” he trailed off at the wide grin Ben suddenly bestowed upon him.

“Good choice, mate. Don’t forget your address right, I’ll let you know who your chaperone is and what time they’ll be with you!”

When Friday came around, Callum was none the wiser except that he knew that he was being picked up by Martin at 7pm and that he had to dress like he was going out. He had spent the last two days alternatively catching up on sleep and worrying about the ‘initiation’. But now the day was here he was relatively calm. He checked himself out in the mirror for what felt like the twentieth time. He was wearing skinny dark jeans and a new blue shirt and he guessed he looked dressed up enough. He checked again that he had his keys and wallet and then sat waiting for his phone to buzz to let him know Martin was waiting for him. Just after seven, Martin texted to say the taxi was outside and with a final deep breath, Callum left the safety of his flat for whatever ceremony Ben and the rest of his team had planned.

Martin was waiting in the taxi outside and gave Callum a welcome grin as he slid in the back. “Alright, mate, not too nervous are you?” He quipped, knowing full well how edgy Callum had been about the whole situation.

“Not too bad,” Callum lied, sitting on his hands to stop himself picking at his thumbnail. “So, where are we off to?” 

Martin laughed, “I can’t tell you that, mate, Ben would kill me! Don’t worry though, you’ll be fine. We’re not going to do anything too bad to ya!”

Minutes later, the taxi pulled up outside a bar, Ben, Lola and Jay were already waiting outside, lounging against the wall. Martin paid the taxi, refusing money from Callum, and they joined the trio. Callum couldn’t help but take notice of Ben, wearing dark trousers and a patterned grey shirt that clung to his shoulders and waist. He looked good. It was going to be one of those nights where everything Callum did would go wrong, he got so clumsy when the butterflies started in his stomach. Jay was slapping Martin on the back; “what ya told him mate?”

“Nothing yet! I wouldn’t risk my nuts!”

“Come on then boys, let’s get in and join the rest,” Lola gave Callum a small smile and linked her arm in his, leading him into the door.

“What is this place,” he asked her quietly.

Lola rolled her eyes at him, “Karaoke….” 

Vinny, Whitney, Peter and Dotty were already in the club, saving a table and they joined them, with Ben and Martin going to get a round of drinks. Callum was pulled into a chair next to Lola and a karaoke book thrust into his hands. “I can’t sing!” He protested.

“Tough luck Callum,” Dotty leaned over to him and spoke so he could hear her over the loud music. “Every newbie has to sing at least once - or else Ben will choose your song and trust me you don’t want that…”

“Yeah, she’s right,” agreed Vinny, “but I’d advise you to have a good few shots before you get up there, don’t want you to pass out with nerves!”

A few pints later and Callum was feeling a bit looser and more confident. Ben had flopped into the chair next to him and was trying to point out songs he could sing, much to Callum’s amusement. Eventually, more to get Ben off his back than anything, Callum chose his song, downed a few shots to give himself Dutch courage and then found himself belting out ‘Mr Brightside’ to an approving crowd and cheering Green Watch. He was clapped on the back by his teammates when he returned to the table, sitting down and taking a swig of his pint. He knew he had been out of tune and off time but he suddenly didn’t care. He felt like he belonged here, with this group of people who had taken him underneath their wings. 

Ben’s name was called and he swaggered up to the stage, as Lola put an arm around his shoulders. “Well done, Cal!” She beamed at him, the nickname making him warmer than the alcohol had done all night. 

“It was awful,” he grinned back in return, attention on Ben. “Is he any good?”

“Wait and see,” Lola whispered conspiringly in his ear, “he loves this, loves the attention, loves the buzz…”

“Loves the hookups it generates!” Jay interjected with a leer as he slid his arm around his girlfriend.

Callum felt his cheeks grow hot, although if anyone asked he would blame it on the amount he had drunk before doing his song and turned his attention to the stage. Ben was singing ‘You’re Just Too Good to be True,” and he was  _ good _ , strutting around the stage with confidence, voice almost perfect, smiling and making eye contact with people around him. He looked over towards the table they were sitting at and caught Callum’s eye, and for a second, the whole bar went silent and Callum was only aware again of those amazing blue eyes, fixed on him and him alone as Ben crooned the words. Already flushed, Callum could feel himself getting more and more flustered, and as Ben finished the song and took his applause like a pro, he mumbled to Lola about needing to get another drink and pushed away from the table towards the bar where he could take control of himself back.

As he was leaning on the bar, waiting for his turn, he felt a hand on his arm and for a second, his heart jumped thinking it was Ben coming to look for him. Turning around, he had to stifle his disappointment when he realised it was Whitney. It wasn’t that he disliked Whitney, in fact, her friendly face was always the first thing he saw on his morning shifts and the last thing on night shifts and he knew she could be a friend, but rather the fact that she seemed to want more than what he was willing to offer and he was so unused to this he had no idea how to handle the situation. Now, he could feel himself getting tense and trying to pull away from her hand, even as she slid it down his forearm. “Ya gonna buy me a drink?” She asked, trying to circle fingers around his wrist.

Unable to help himself, Callum jerked away and put as much distance between them as possible. He mumbled his way through the drink order, and then as quickly as possible got away from Whitney and back to the table, sitting down on the opposite side. She was disappointed, he could tell from the way her eyes darted between him and the table, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. When Ben leant over, it was with a leery smile. “Seems like our Whitney is keen on ya, mate,” he smirked.

“I’m not interested,” Callum mumbled.

“Why not? She’s pretty, nice, kind, seems like she’d be right up your street.”

Callum took a deep breath, closed his eyes, not entirely sure what to say or do. In the end, he could only offer a partial explanation .”She’s not my type.” How much he wished that he was brave enough to admit who actually was his type, but his fear overcame that and he said nothing more to the very person he wished he could tell the truth to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: there’s a physical altercation between 2 characters and the use of homophobic slurs towards a character - avoid if you need to. Also thanks to Eastenders for some brilliant dialogue that was just too good not to include!

A few months had passed since the initiation night and Callum was convinced his life was simultaneously the best it had ever been and the worst. That night had passed in a blur, watching Ben get drunker and drunker and making passes at boys. The tight feeling in Callum’s chest had gotten worse over the night and he had drunk way too much himself to hide it. It hadn’t helped when Peter had leaned in to him towards the end of the night, when Ben was leaving with one of the men, and said, “don’t worry about him, this is normal!”

Callum had thought the next shift they were on would be strange, but it wasn’t and as he got to know the squad, Ben had softened more and more towards him. He was still sarky, sassy and arrogant, but there was a soft edge to it all that made them become friends, quickly and easily. It helped that Jay and Lola had taken him under their wing and they had been friends with Ben for years and so they became a little group within the team, laughing and looking out for each other. He had admitted to Lola once about how uncomfortable Whitney flirting constantly made him feel and the following week it had stopped. It had been awkward for a while between them but now things were starting to get back to friendly. Lola denied all knowledge of what had happened, but he had seen Ben talking to Whitney one day over the front desk before things changed between them and he put two and two together and came up with at least five.

His feelings for Ben were only intensifying the more he got to know the younger man, but as he got more confident in his role and in the station and friendships with the other members of his team he was able to put it to one side. Someone like Ben, brave, funny, experienced and oh so gorgeous would never be interested in someone like him, so he put all thoughts out of his mind and focused on what was important to him, his career.

The thing was, Ben put on a front with most people, including the people he worked with. Hard, unrelenting, sarcastic, cocky…. but right from the start he was different with Callum. He would still make innuendo laden comments, still be sarky and sometimes harsh, and he had the ability to really make Callum blush  _ all the time!  _ but he also was so protective, sweet, friendly and kind. They had talked about lots of things, sitting at the kitchen table with cups of tea and coffee, and to Callum, Ben was different. Ben got him, Ben took time to get to know him and in turn, Callum found himself opening up, something he had never had the confidence to do before. He’d always been put down, bullied, never believed he could be worthy of anything but Ben looked beyond all that and made Callum feel he was special.

And if he had noticed that the next time the entire Green Watch went out drinking, Ben didn’t chase anybody or leave with anybody but Jay and Lola, that was no one's business but Callum’s.

They were on their way back from a minor kitchen fire, the last call of a busy night. They had dealt with helping with a road traffic collision - luckily everyone had been rescued safely - and three fires already and Callum was feeling tired in his bones. He was now used to the shift patterns of firefighting but a busy last night shift still caused him to get really tired. He was looking forward to spending the next few days in bed catching up on sleep. 

They pulled up behind the first appliance and Callum half fell down the stairs, grabbing his equipment and heading for the locker rooms to stow everything away carefully ready for the next watch. He sat on the bench, folding his uniform for washing, when Ben sat next to him. “Alright?” He asked gently.

“Yeah, thanks, just still getting used to these night shifts.”

“I know, you’ll get there eventually, don’t worry,” Ben touched his arm briefly. “Look, I guess you’re tired and all and this may not be a great idea, but Jay, Lo and I are going to the pub tomorrow evening for a drink. You want to come?”

“Yeah,” Callum couldn’t stop the smile breaking into his face. “Yeah, that would be great.”

“Great,” Ben echoed, his eyes twinkling like the sun's shimmer on the ocean. “We usually meet around 8, I’ll text you the address tomorrow?”

Lola grabbed his arm as he tried to slink out of the station quietly half an hour later. “Heard you’re coming out with us tomorrow?” She grinned, waggling her eyebrows at him.

“Yeah, Ben asked.”

“I know! Took him long enough to pluck up the courage to actually do it and I mean! You know what Ben’s like normally - Jay’s been teasing him all week about it!” Lola couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice.

“What? It’s just drinks with you three isn’t it, nothing special….” Callum’s voice trailed off as Lola stopped in the middle of the corridor, hands outstretched at her sides.

“Just drinks…. lord give me strength. Oblivious, the pair of you!” She muttered.

“Lo?”

“Just…. look, I’ll see you there tomorrow right?” She stepped closer and patted him on the arm sympathetically, shaking her head. “Boys…..”

Callum thought about the exchange all day whilst he was trying, unsuccessfully, to get some sleep. In the end, he gave up and grabbed his phone, hovering over Ben’s name for a while before opening up a message to Lola.  _ What did you mean, earlier? _

Her reply came through quickly, proving he wasn’t the only one struggling to sleep.  _ It’s not my place to say anything, Cal. You should talk to Ben.  _

He grabbed a beer from his fridge and sat down on his sofa, turning on some tv show that he wasn’t really interested in but gave him something to listen to other than his own thoughts.  _ How can I say anything to him when I don’t know what he wants? He’s never said anything to me _

_ Callum…. trust me. We’ve been working with the other guys for three years now. He’s never asked any of them out with us before. He just…. finds it hard to let people in. I’ve never seen him the way he is around you. Just think it would be a shame if you didn’t at least tell him how you feel. _

Callum dropped his head back against the sofa and let out a groan.  _ God Lola, I don’t know what you mean… _

This time it took a while for her reply to come back and when it did it was only one word that made Callum grab the rest of the beers from his fridge.  _ Idiot _

Callum woke up the next morning, tangled in his bedsheets with a headache and feeling like he had been punched repeatedly. The curtains let in a thin stream of light, showing that after he had drunk the rest of the pack of beers and staggered to bed, he had managed to sleep through the rest of the day and all night. All he actually wanted to do was to put his head back under the covers and sleep for the rest of the day. But something had woken him up and turning his head to the side he realised his phone was ringing. He grabbed at it half heartedly, trying to dismiss the call before realising it was his answerphone. Once the ringing had finished he flicked to his missed calls list before sitting bolt upright in bed, heart pounding and sweaty, but this time not from the drink. Stuart. Why was he ringing and leaving voicemails at this time in the morning? He took a deep breath and called his voice message box.

His older brother's message was short and abrupt. “Callum, call me back as soon as you get this.”

Callum got up and put the kettle on, knowing he’d need at least one cup of coffee before calling Stuart back. They had an interesting relationship, 14 years difference between them, alcoholic father who got violent when drunk, Stuart old enough to go out and get away from it, but when he had been home, trying his hardest to look after and protect his younger brother. But Callum still remembered the days with no food, hand me down clothes, nights he had spent hiding under bed covers or in cupboards and the insistence from his brother about joining the army despite his own reluctance. Because of this, the relationship had fractured and it was only since his dismissal from the army that Callum had spent any amount of time with Stuart. They were better than they had been in years, but not at the stage for heartwarming phone calls on Callum’s off days and so he was immediately suspicious about what had happened.

Knowing he couldn’t put it off any longer, he made himself a second cup of coffee and then curled into the corner of his sofa whilst he dialled his brother's number. “Stu, what’s up?”

“Hi Stu, how are you? Thanks for askin’, bruv,” was Stuart’s reply and Callum could tell immediately something was wrong, his brother's words appearing like a joke but his tone anything but, strained, tight and slightly shaky.

“Stu?” There was only one thing, one person that made Stuart sound like that and suddenly Callum wanted to be anywhere but on the phone call. “Is he back?”

Stuart took a deep breath. “Yeah. I tried to tell him he’s not welcome here but he don’t get it. He wants to talk to you.”

Callum could feel his chest getting tight but he knew, knew he couldn’t let it take over him at this moment. “I don’t want to see him.”

“I know, I know, I told him to go, but he’s insisting he’s gonna come to your flat unless you meet him at mine. And I thought you wouldn’t want him at your home so…..”

It hurt, it hurt to think that Stuart was trying to protect him by making him do something he didn’t want to do but Callum knew his brother was right, if he didn’t do around then  _ he _ would come to Callum’s flat and there was no way he wanted this to be tainted. Stuart was still talking, “...I’ll be there at least, I can keep an eye on you and get rid of him the minute he does anything….”

“I’m on my way,” Callum interrupted. “Best get this over and done with quickly, Stu. I’ll be there in about half an hour.”

Jonno. His dad. His alcoholic, abusive father who had spent all of Callum’s childhood telling him he was  _ too soft, too girly, not tough enough  _ , who had been the reason that Callum knew he wouldn’t be good enough for anything or anyone, who had been the reason that Callum has escaped to the army, who hadn’t spoken to him since he had come out last year. Well, not spoken to him after the massive row where he had accused his son of being  _ a puff, not a man, useless _ amongst other things that Callum could not repeat but still rang in his head in his lowest moments. He had always known his father was homophobic but knowing it and actually being the focus of it was something completely different.

He caught the tube to Stuart’s house in almost a daze, thoughts flowing through his mind at the speed of the train, threatening to derail him even as he fought to stay calm and centred, knowing this was the only way to handle Jonno. Stuart met him at the tube station and it was testament to how much his brother both hated their father and was protective of his younger brother that his usually stern face was pale with worry, “He’s at my flat,” Stuart confessed in a low voice. “I’m so sorry Callum, he just won’t leave.”

“What else does he want to say to me?” Callum asked quietly. “I just want to be left alone.”

It only took a few minutes to get to the flat, but Callum’s brain was still racing. When Stuart let them in he stayed close behind, in protective mode. Jonno was sitting in the comfiest armchair, a mug on the table in front of him. When they entered, he stood up, came over to his sons and held his arms open like he wanted a hug. “My boys!” He crowed, his breath stale from alcohol.

“What do you want?” Callum asked, taking a step backwards.

“I just wanted to see my boys. What’s wrong with that?” Jonno demanded. It always started like this, like it was a privilege and a pleasure to meet with his family and Callum dreaded where it would inevitably end up.

“You know we don’t want to see you,” Stuart spoke up, a hand firm against Callum’s back.

“What are you, his spokesman?” Jonno demanded. “Look, Callum, I just want to talk to you. Alone.”

“Nah, not going to happen,” Stuart growled but Callum shook his head at his older brother.

“It’s fine. It’ll be ok.” He waited until Stuart had reluctantly left into his bedroom before fixing his gaze on his father. Short, bald and with a permanent sneer fixed on his face, Jonno hadn’t changed much since Callum was young. “What do you want?” He repeated again.

“I heard you left the Army.”

All this did was remind Callum of how long it had been since his father had actually made an effort to talk to him. “Dad, I’ve been out of the army for almost a year.”

“When you going back then?”

“I’m not….” 

Jonno took a step closer to Callum, making him flinch backwards and finding himself against the wall of the flat. “Why ever not? You don’t want to give that up - it was the best thing that ever happened to you, soft boy.”

“I can’t go back, medical grounds…. I’m a firefighter now.”

“Medical grounds!?” Jonno sneered, getting so close to Callum now he had nowhere else to look but at the increasingly aggressive man in front of him. “what, you stubbed your toe? You sound like a right pansy! Unless there’s another reason you left? Boys picking on you? Messing up your hair? Found out you’re nothing but a disgusting puff….”

That made Callum snap. “I’m gay and proud of it dad, regardless of what you think!”

The next few seconds were a blur then, Jonno shouting something and then lunging at Callum, smacking him in the face before getting his hands around his neck. Callum struggled at first before surrendering to it -  _ what’s the point - he’ll never accept this  _ \- as he tried with increasing difficulty to gasp another breath against the pressure of his father's hands. As his vision started to turn black at the edges, he let the image of blue, bright blue sparkling eyes fill his mind…


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: a panic attack and homophobic language and situations and difficult childhoods being discussed by the boys. Avoid if needed!

Suddenly the blackness lifted, and then he was aware of Stuart, yelling, grabbing Jonno and throwing him off Callum, as he finally sucked in a deep breath and sank to a heap on the floor. Coughing, he watched as Stuart bundled the still yelling man out of the front door, unwilling to let Callum see or hear whatever he was going to do to him. By the time Stuart came back, Callum was sitting on the floor with his legs spread out in front of him. “You OK?”

“Yeah,” Callum mumbled, throat sore. His breathing was still not right, the feeling in his chest intensifying, he knew what was going to happen and he wanted to be away from here. He got to his feet unsteadily. “M’fine Stu.”

“Wait, do you want a drink? Tea, water….”

“ I wanna go home.”

“Callum… you can’t just go like this.” Stuart reached out for him, but Callum shook his hand away.

“I’m ok, Stu, I just want to go home.”

Stuart looked at him. “Ok,” he said softly. “I’ll check in on you later, alright?”

“Fine,” Callum knew he was being short with his brother but he also knew he had to get home before the panic attack set in fully. 

He walked home, the repetitive action of  _ putting one foot ahead of the other _ keeping the panic at bay, but when he let himself into his flat, quiet, empty and safe, he could feel the rising anxiety. He had suffered from panic attacks for most of his life, worse when he was in the army, and knew how to deal with them but they still scared him. As he came into his front room, he could feel his heart rate rising and his breathing getting short now he was in his safe place. He sat down on the floor, back against the solid wall behind, feeling the tingling in his fingers and the trembling in his limbs and started to count slowly to four repeatedly whilst trying to control his breathing.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there for counting, counting, counting, but it was darker in the room when he became aware of the hard wall and floor again. He was dizzy, fingers still shaking, hair flopping over his face, cheeks wet, but breathing better. He let his head fall back against the wall, closed his eyes and just sat for a few more minutes. By this time, he was starting to think about Jonno, about his words and what he had done and he knew that sitting still would be the surest way back to another panic attack so he forced himself to stand up, sluggishly making his way to the kitchen. He winced as he saw his reflection in the mirror in the hallway, a bruise already forming on his cheek, pale face with red raw eyes and dark marks on his neck from his father's fingers. He pulled a cup out of the cupboard, filled it with water and drank the entire glass whilst trying to keep himself centred. It was only when he had filled the cup the second time and moved to the sofa when he felt in his pocket, pulled out his phone that he realised he had forgotten the plans he had for that night.

Five missed calls, one each from Jay and Lola and the rest from Ben and numerous messages littered his phone, the last messages from Ben getting increasingly anxious.  _ Cal, are you lost? Callum, I’m worried, where are you? Cal, it’s ok if you’ve changed your mind. Just call me Cal, I just want to know you’re ok. _

Callum took a deep breath, shuddering through his chest, he couldn’t call Ben, not with how he was feeling, but he sent a message back.  _ Sorry, something came up, I forgot to text. _

The message showed as delivered then read immediately and then the phone started ringing straight away after that. Ben. He ignored it, letting it ring out, but Ben called back again. With an exhale of breath, he picked up this time, knowing Ben was like a dog with a bone and wouldn’t give up.

“Hey Callum, what came up that made you forget to even text us? Get a better offer or something? We’ve been worried!” Ben sounded snappy on the phone, something that made Callum’s heart pick up again.  _ He’s not your father! He won’t hurt you  _

“M’sorry,” he mumbled down the phone. “ I just…..”

He heard Ben’s sharp intake of breath, he knew how he must sound. “Callum, what’s wrong?” Ben’s voice was suddenly soft, worried, and that was actually worse than being snapped at.

“Nothing. S‘fine. I need to go Ben, I’ll see you on shift.” And he hung up before Ben could say anything else. 

It took a while to calm back down after the call, fingers still trembling, wiping new tears from his cheeks and he was only partially sure he heard it when a knock sounded on his door. When it came again, louder and insistent, he pushed off the sofa, cursing his brother loudly. “Stu, I said I was ok, I don’t need you here!”

He opened the door, expecting to see Stuart, but instead found himself face to face with dark hair and concerned eyes, the man in question leaning against the door frame.

Callum stopped still, “B..B...Ben, “ he stammered, completely thrown off his axis. He knew he must look a state, and thought wildly about slamming the door shut and pretending this wasn’t happening. But Ben had stood up, mouth dropping open as his eyes frantically gazed over Callum’s face and neck and took a slow step forward, holding his hands up like Callum was some skittish wild animal. “Can I come in?” He asked, so, so softly it made tears spring into Callum’s eyes yet again.

He moved away silently and let Ben in, moving through to the living room. Ben shut the door quietly and followed him in, still keeping a cautious distance, but his fingers were opening and closing, his eyes fixed firmly on Callum as if he wanted to take hold of his hands, pull him close. And god, Callum realised he wanted that so badly too, but he had no idea how to ask for it. He sat down on the sofa and gestured for Ben to sit down next to him. Ben ignored that and sat directly opposite Callum on the coffee table, their knees close together, fingers clasped onto his own like he had to anchor them somewhere without permission to touch. His eyes were wide, full of concern and something Callum couldn’t decipher and he swallowed heavily before whispering “Cal....”

That was all it took for the tears to start again and Ben made a movement towards him, which he quickly aborted, unsure of what to do. Callum followed up with leaning towards Ben and that was all it needed, Ben taking that as consent and in one swift move he had leant forwards and wrapped his arms around Callum. Callum literally collapsed into Ben’s arms, tucking his face into the nook between shoulder and throat, clutching his T-shirt to ground him, letting himself finally break down and cry. 

He didn’t know how long he had sobbed for, but when he finally started to be aware of his surroundings, he could sense Ben had moved to sit on the sofa and had pulled Callum half into his lap, arms tight around him. One hand was smoothing over his back, the other fingers running through and through his hair gently. He was whispering words against Callum’s hairline, forehead pressed against the side of Callum’s head. Callum still had his face pushed into Ben’s shoulder, but he felt safe,  _ so safe _ , for what felt like the first time in ages. Ben obviously noticed the fact he had calmed down as he pulled back, not too far, arms still tight around Callum’s back, but so he could look at his face. Ben’s face was also wet, his eyes full of concern as he lifted his fingers from Callum’s hair and ran a gentle thumb over the bruises on the side of his face, his neck. “You back with me?” He whispered.

“M’sorry,” Callum whispered back.

No,” Ben shook his head, “ It’s not your fault, please know that.”

“Soft”

Ben smiled, still running his thumb over Callum’s face. “Only for my friends. Sssh, it’s a secret. Don’t want to ruin my reputation.” Callum smiled back at that, noticing how the small gesture made Ben’s face light up. Ben bit his lip. “Cal, what happened?” He asked gently.

Callum thought about not telling him, or making something up like  _ I walked into a door  _ but the words his father had said stung like anything in his mind and Ben would surely understand, having gone through the same sort of thing himself at a younger age. “My father….” he said eventually, letting the words trail off.

“What?” Ben’s reaction was immediate, his eyes turning hard as granite and his mouth tightening into a frown. Callum’s first reaction was to try to move away but Ben squeezed his grip around his shoulder, “not you, Cal, sorry. Your father did this to you?” He ran his fingers again over the bruises on Callum’s face. This time Callum winced, both from the soreness of the injuries and from the truth he had blurted out. It was obvious Ben was trying to think of what he could say that was appropriate, holding back his knee jerk reaction. In the end he settled for breathing out, “bastard.”

Callum’s immediate reaction was what he was used to all his life. “It’s ok Ben, it’s…”

“It’s not ok, Callum. Why would he do this to you? You’re so….” he trailed off into silence, eyes saying more than he actually could.

They were sitting so close together still, surely this was not normal for two friends? Callum didn’t know what to make of anything anymore. He took a deep breath, wanting Ben to know everything. “My dad’s an alcoholic. He used to hit my mom. She left him when I was about 5. So he turned to me instead. My brother Stuart, he tried to help but he’s so much older than me, he had his own life, his own friends and he could get away. When he came back he helped, he protected me but he wasn’t there all the time. So I learnt to hide myself, to make myself invisible cos if he couldn’t see me he couldn’t hurt me. I hid everything from him that I knew he would hate cos it would make him hate me even more. He always thought I was soft, a bit girly, too nice…. he was really pleased when I got into the army, said it would make me a proper man. But he didn’t know the main reason I went there was to get away from him.”

He paused, looking at Ben, who just nodded at him to continue, fingers still stroking over his face, his back. “I came out to him about a year ago. He wouldn’t accept it. I’m his son, he can’t have a disgusting faggot as a son, I was mistaken, it was them pansies from the army that turned me… I always knew he was homophobic but this was different, Ben, I couldn’t… I didn’t want to believe he could say those sort of things to me. He’s still my dad, I wanted him to accept who I was. But he couldn’t and he hasn’t spoken to me since that day. Until today when he came back, Stuart thinks to try to build bridges cos he has no one else other than us… I thought he may have changed, but he hadn’t, he….. he…. why doesn’t he want me? I can’t change who I am, why can’t he just accept that?”

Ben had been silent throughout but at this, he took hold of Callum’s hands. “Listen to me, Cal. You can spend your life trying to make someone like that proud of you but it ain’t ever going to happen. He doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve to be told any of those things. He’s not your dad, he’s just some bloke that got your mom pregnant. I know what it’s like, when I came out my Dad didn’t want to know, still finds it really uncomfortable, still makes my life hell. But I’m proud of who I am and what I do and you should be too. Because you’re incredible Callum and no bigoted homophobic idiot should make you feel less than that. And there is no excuse for him doing this to you.”

Callum didn’t know how to react to the fierceness of Ben’s conviction. He wiped his eyes one last time, trying to get his thoughts in order. Ben didn’t seem to need an answer though. “You want a cup of tea? I can make one for us, and do you have a first aid kit? I’ll sort you out too.”

Ben pottered around in the kitchen, making two cups of tea whilst Callum fetched the first aid kit out of the bathroom. When Ben brought over two mugs he sat back down on the coffee table, their knees bumping and gently cleaned Callum’s face with an antiseptic wipe. Callum wanted to say something, wanted to grab Ben’s hands or face, but he didn’t, instead settling for asking, “you wanna talk about him, your dad I mean?”

Ben’s mouth quirked at the side, as he became even more engrossed in Callum’s injuries. “Nah not really. I mean, I know I’m never gonna be good enough for him but he’s my dad so I just have to do whatever I can to be the son he wants me to be.” He paused for a second, hand stilling on Callum’s cheek. “He’s still my dad, right, so I have to try.”

“You know, someone once told me that my dad was just a bloke that got my mom pregnant, maybe you should take that advice too.”

Ben barked out a laugh, his eyes shuttered. “It’s easier to give out advice than take it myself,” he admitted quietly. He took Callum’s chin in his hand and tilted his face to one side to look at it carefully. “Done the best I can, there’s not much I can do about these though,” he ran his fingers gently over the fingerprint bruises on Callum’s neck.

“It’s ok, I’ve had worse,” Callum shrugged.

“That… is so not right,” Ben whispered. He was still so close, so close that Callum could see the flecks of grey and gold in his eyes, the freckles over his cheeks, feel the warmth of his hands and body. All it would take was for Callum to lean forward…. but Ben blinked, took a deep shuddering breath and dropped his hand. He moved away slightly putting some space between them. Callum immediately missed it, the closeness now morphing into something less tangible, less warm. When Ben spoke, his voice was also not as soft and Callum recognised it as the shutters coming back up so he could hide behind them. “Better get your tea down, I put extra sugars in it.”

“Thanks,” Callum looked up at Ben through his eyelashes. “Can you stay for awhile? We could watch a movie…. I don’t really want to be alone with my thoughts just yet.”

It had looked for a second like Ben was going to leave but at that he sat down on the other end of the sofa. “Why not, mate,” he said, cheerfulness a little too forced, “it’s not like I have anywhere else to be right now anyway.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely comments on my first fic, seems I like writing angst for poor Callum! The story is finished and it does have a happy ending but there is still angst to come I’m afraid!
> 
> Warnings: there is a fire in this chapter the boys have to deal with.

Things quickly got back to normal after that night. Sure, Callum had felt awkward the next time he had seen Ben, but Ben had treated him like nothing had changed and so Callum just fell into that pattern too. Of course, he had hoped, dreamed, that maybe, just maybe, they would have spoken about it, Ben would have realised that he was worth the hassle and something would have changed. But it didn’t and Ben didn’t and so Callum pushed his feelings aside, not wanting to lose the friendship between them. The sark, the innuendos and the cockiness had more than doubled, but he also caught the soft look in Ben’s eyes when he thought Callum wasn’t noticing, the way he would always have a cup of tea waiting for him in the kitchen and the way he stuck up for him when Martin and Vinny teased him about the little kids at the school community visit who had hung off every word he had said. Callum was both touched and annoyed by the protectiveness of his watch captain, but was too scared to say anything to rock the boat.

There had been a positive outcome of everything - Ben’s words had resonated with him and he had finally decided enough was enough with regards to his father. Why did he spend his time worrying about someone so toxic and horrible when he had a job he loved, friends that made him happy and a bright future? He had sent one final text message and then deleted Jonno’s number from his phone. Now it was like something had lifted off his shoulders and he was much more happier and confident than he’d ever been.

One day, about a week after the flat incident, Dotty had been fixing her jacket and had asked him to grab her some more reflective patches from the uniform storage. He had cheerfully gone off in search of the item when he had happened upon Ben and Lola, huddled in the locker room, talking quietly. He had gone to find an alternative way through when something caught his ear and, hating himself, he had flattened himself against the wall and shamelessly eavesdropped.

“... you’ve been talking about him for months, Ben, I can’t believe you didn’t even tell him!”

“Lo, how could I? He deserves the world and god knows I can’t…. he’s just so kind, so wonderful, so  _ beautiful…. _ ”

“Don’t forget those eyes of his, you were so far gone on him the minute he turned around, I can’t believe you still haven’t tried anything with him!”

“God, he’s too good for me, he could have anyone he wanted, so why would he want someone like me?”

“But Ben, you haven’t even given him the option yet! Shouldn’t you at least let him know how you feel? Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve stopped your hook ups, you're so much happier and it’s because of him! You deserve to be happy too, and maybe he’s the one to do that. Just speak to him, ok?”

As Lola had moved forward to hug Ben, Callum had become aware that he had just listened in on a very private conversation - Ben showing that level of emotion and vulnerability was very rare - and he had slipped away before he could hear anymore of the conversation. Deep in thought, he had found a back way to the uniform store and although Dotty had teased him about the length of time it had taken him to pick up her patches, nothing else had been said and no one was any the wiser.

That didn’t mean Callum didn’t think about what he had overheard, wondering if he should say something to Ben or Lola, wondering who they were talking about. But he didn’t want to ruin that small sliver of hope that sat deep inside and he knew if he spoke to Ben then that hope, that warmth curling through his chest and stomach would be extinguished. And Callum wasn’t quite brave enough for that to happen yet.

The sound of the station's siren cut through the game of blackjack that Callum, Martin and Peter were playing, cards abandoned immediately as the three men sprinted into their locker room, suited up and made their way to the two appliances. Mick was waiting with the printout sheet ready as Ben jogged up to him, “what we got boss?” he asked.

Callum paused just in front of Peter as they swung into their engine to listen as Mick raised his voice and called out, “house fire, started in the kitchen, not sure yet if all the family are out, so let’s get there quickly, team!”

Jay was already in the driving seat of the fire engine and as Peter jumped in and slammed the door shut he was already pulling away behind the first appliance. Callum sat next to Lola, nerves rising as they blue lighted to the incident. He always got butterflies at this time, not just for him but for the other members of the watch, for people that were now his friends, for  _ Ben  _ who would stop at nothing to make sure everyone was safe. Lola took one of his hands, stopping the tapping of his fingers with her cool touch, grounding him until they arrived at the house.

As normal, once they were on site, Callum’s nerves receded, falling into his usual, calm mindset that proved the reason why he had passed at the top of his training class. The fire was burning in the kitchen and was reaching the floor above, and with no further ado they donned their breathing apparatus and went in. Two pairs, one from each engine stayed outside to man the situation and equipment, and Jay and Callum from engine two and Ben and Dotty from engine one went in to tackle the flames and check for any family members. It was hot and dark inside the house, a pan still sitting on the hob with flames jumping out of it showing the sorry start of the blaze. Whilst Ben and Dotty dealt with the fire itself, Callum and Jay did a once over of the ground floor, finding nothing and no one downstairs. When they returned to the kitchen, Ben and Lola were still fighting with the flames, starting to win the battle and they grabbed their hose to help when Martin's voice sounded over the radio. “Boss, there’s another kid in there somewhere, maybe upstairs.”

The four of them stopped for a second before Ben groaned, “Jay, Dotty, you two carry on here, Callum, with me right?”

Jay nodded at him, knowing that Callum was the best in a tight spot and had the handy extra of being tall which meant he could reach places neither Jay nor Ben could and so Callum followed the captain upstairs. It was smoky up here, heat radiating from the floorboards but luckily no flames yet. Ben called into his radio, “we need more info guys, are we looking for a boy or girl, name, age?”

“Boy, aged seven, name Harry,” Vinny replied immediately. 

“Good,” Ben turned to Callum, “I’ll check the back bedroom if you check the front, ok?”

Callum nodded and went into the smoke filled room. He uncoupled his breathing apparatus for a second, trying not to inhale the acrid air and called the child’s name as loud as he could. A whimpering noise caught his attention and he flung himself over the room to look. Not under the bed, not in the wardrobe, and then suddenly he spotted a hand. The child, Harry, had squished himself into the small gap between cupboard and wall and was now trapped, eyes wide as he stared at Callum. Callum grasped his fingers, tried to pull him out and realised the kid was firmly stuck and he had no chance himself of getting into the tiny space. He kept hold of the child’s hand reassuringly and grabbed his radio. “Ben, I’ve got him but I need help to get him out.”

Ben was there not even 10 seconds later and had assessed the situation. “I’ll squeeze in then pull me out with him, right?” He told Callum and then started to squeeze into the gap. He grabbed the child who clung to him immediately, scared and frightened and when he had him securely in his arms, Callum took hold of Ben and pulled him. “Harder, Callum,” Ben wheezed and Callum had no choice but to yank as hard as he could. He felt something give, noticed Ben’s sudden awful gasp and sharp intake of breath, but they were both free and Ben gave him no chance to ask anything. The child was still grabbing Ben around his neck and wouldn’t let go so they got out as fast as possible, Callum noticing the slight falter to Ben’s step and the way his breathing was suddenly difficult. But Ben said nothing and even after they had brought the child out and he was being looked after by the paramedics, he refused to look at Callum. The others had put the fire out and once the hand over had taken place they left the police to it and returned to the station.

Something was wrong with Ben, Callum had felt it and knew it, but he didn’t know what and Ben was not telling him or anyone else anything. By the time they got back into the locker room to change out of their equipment the rest of the team were full of the buzz of a job well done, saving a house and people’s lives was the biggest and best result of their jobs, but Callum was quiet. He was watching Ben, who was pale, silent and sitting hunched up to one side of the room, waiting for it to empty. Callum lingered, waiting for the others to leave and nodding at Martin who was the last one apart from him and Ben. Once the rest had gone, he moved so he was sitting next to his captain. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Cal, I’m fine,” Ben couldn’t look him in the eye. Callum slid cool fingers under his chin and tilted it up, until he could look into those mesmerising ocean blue eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but Ben cut him off, eyes turning icy. “I said it’s nothing, just leave me alone,” he snapped.

“No, Ben. It’s not nothing, I know, I saw it happen and I know you and you’re not fine. So tell me or I’ll go to Mick right now.”

Ben looked at him, tried to force his mouth into a smirk. “Ooh, look at you being all dominant…” he leered, trying to make Callum blush, but at Callum’s steady gaze - he knew Ben by now and knew what he would do or say to avoid conversations he didn’t want to have - he faltered. “My shoulder,” he finally whispered.

“When I pulled you….” Callum felt guilty, remembering how hard he had had to pull Ben.

“Not your fault,” Ben was firm on this, even though now Callum could see the faint lines of pain around his eyes and mouth, “we had to save that kid, this is worth it.”

“Let me see, please?” At Ben’s small nod, Callum undid the buttons on his shirt and slipped it off Ben’s shoulders, leaving him only in his flame retardant undershirt. He could immediately see the problem. “Ben, it’s dislocated.”

“Thought it was,” Ben sighed. “Just stick it back in, it’ll be fine.”

“What?” Callum exclaimed, “no way, I ain’t doing that, I could hurt you even more. You need to go to the hospital, get it sorted properly.”

“I am not going to the hospital, I’ll have to have time off.”

Callum took a deep breath. “I’ll have to tell Mick. You need this to be sorted or else you’ll have long term problems and that won’t be helpful for being a firefighter, you know.” 

Whilst they had been talking his fingers had started to trace small patterns on Ben’s skin, almost without him realising it. His eyes were fixated on the line of Ben’s shoulder and neck, the jut of his collarbone, the sweep of his jaw, the warmth of his skin under his fingertips. He swallowed suddenly realising what he was doing and raised his eyes to Ben’s. Ben was staring at him from under his eyelashes, his good hand creeping forward to latch around Callum’s wrist. “I can’t have time off work, Cal. Too much time with nothing to do except think about my dad isn’t good for me.” Ben swayed closer to Callum, voice small and pained.

Callum couldn’t help himself, “you’ve got me to help,” he whispered and then he leant forward, brushing Ben’s lips with his own. 

Ben’s lips were warm, slightly chapped and he huffed in a breath in a gasp which brought Callum back to his senses. He pulled back, eyes wide and mouth dropping open. Ben was injured, in pain, worrying about his father and all Callum had done was take advantage and kiss him… “God, I’m so sorry….” he started to apologise.

Ben had been sitting still, but at that he looked up, and Callum noticed how dark his eyes had turned, stormy grey and how his pupils had dilated. “Stop that,” he murmured and then Ben himself hooked his good arm around Callum’s neck, and with a low moan that Callum felt in his stomach, pulled him in.

Ben kissed like the force of nature he was, soft and gentle to start with, catching Callum’s bottom lip between his own, and then with a groan, a nip that caused Callum to gasp, he was pushing in deeper, dirtier. Callum’s gasp allowed Ben entry to his mouth and then Ben was licking into him, curling his tongue just so behind Callum’s teeth. Callum felt the heat, the moan tickle in his throat, the warmth of the man next to him and allowed himself to fall into the kiss, a moan escaping him into Ben’s mouth before he could stop it. They pulled back to breathe, Ben looking at him with a slightly parted mouth, Callum couldn’t help but bring his hand to Ben’s cheek, fingers softly stroking the tender skin by his ear. This seemed to spur Ben on, as he leaned back in, head tilted to allow him to slant his lips more fully over Callum’s and good hand splayed over Callum’s shoulders.

Callum lost all idea of time, only being aware of the man who was thoroughly kissing him, holding him as tightly as he could without hurting his shoulder, the warmth of his soft skin beneath trembling fingers. They could have been kissing for 5 minutes or 5 hours. The only thing to stop them was the sound of the door to the locker room opening, making them pull away from each other as quickly as this had started.

Ben was staring at him, shoulder still dislocated and obviously in pain, but also now with kiss bitten lips, red and swollen, darkened eyes and dishevelled hair, in only his undershirt. Callum guessed he looked in a similar state if the soreness of his lips from Ben’s bites was anything to go by. It was obvious what they had been up to, but it was lucky for them that it was Lola who was coming in the room and not Martin or Vinny who would never have been able to resist teasing them. 

Lola stopped when she came upon the scene, eyes taking it in, glaring when Callum gestured to Ben’s injured shoulder. “He’s dislocated it.”

“Thanks,” Ben huffed. “Lo, it’ll be ok.”

“I told him he needs to go to the hospital,” Callum interjected.

“Callum’s right, Ben. You need to go. Let me guess, you’re refusing.” Lola shared an exasperated glance with Callum.

“It’ll be three weeks off work Lola!” Ben protested but Lola had known him for longer than Callum and wasn’t swayed.

“Tough luck. I don’t care - you need to get that sorted now. Go on, I’ll take you,” she said.

“I’ll let Mick know,” Callum told them as she gently helped Ben up. He took one last look at the man. “I’ll talk to you later?”

“Sure,” Ben said flatly as he stood up and was pulled out of the room by Lola, completely avoiding Callum’s gaze. “See ya soon, Cal.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. Just sorry.

Callum held off texting Ben for as long as he could. After he had reported the incident to Mick and Lola had gone with Ben to the hospital there was nothing else to do apart from clean - and Callum had cleaned the kitchen, the locker room, the uniform room and the bunk room. He had moved onto the fire engines when Jay found him. “Just heard from Lo, Ben’s fine. Shoulder sorted, in a sling but he’ll be back in three weeks,” he said, clapping Callum on the back. 

“That’s good,” Callum paused with a sponge in his hand, trying to hide the shakiness of his fingers. “Is…. was…. did he say anything?”

Jay snorted. “Ben? Nah, Lola says he’s like a bear with a sore head, grumpy as hell. He’ll be ok, but I’d wait until tomorrow to talk to him.”

There was nothing more that Callum wanted to do than actually talk to Ben about what had happened between them, did Ben want it, was he into Callum? The way he had been kissed, all demanding heat and lust, made him think,  _ hope,  _ Ben wanted this the way Callum wanted him. But there was that voice in his head that remembered the way Ben had refused to look at him as Lola had led him out the door, the fact that he was always liable to mess anything up, that made him doubt himself. He had kissed Ben first, after all, maybe Ben hadn’t really wanted to respond but he’d given him no choice….

Callum didn’t sleep much that night, thoughts spiralling through his head and as Green Watch were on a night shift pattern for the next two days he was able to text Ben as soon as he got up.  _ Hey, how are you?  _ He left the phone whilst he had breakfast, showered, took a run, took a nap…. nothing from Ben. He checked the volume on his phone, sent a quick message to Stuart just in case his phone had stopped working - who replied immediately…. but still nothing from Ben. 

The next two nights passed in a blur - Callum didn’t know what to do, should he call Ben, text him again, leave him, was he still in pain? Over the four day off cycle he tried to call and message but got no response from Ben at all. He was worried - was Ben actually ok? On the last day off, he decided to text Lola and asked her to meet for a coffee.

They met in a little coffee shop that Lola had heard good things about and Callum at least pretended to be polite and waited until they were sitting down and he had asked about Jay and her family before casually dropping it into the conversation. “Have you heard from Ben?” 

“God, yeah, I can’t get rid of him, to be honest. Grumping about this, complaining about that, can’t deal with being stuck at home whilst we’re at work…. wish he hadn’t been injured!” She grinned, but then as she looked up at Callum, the smile faded from her face. Callam could only guess what his face looked like - Ben was obviously fine although cranky, and so it was just Callum he was avoiding. “He hasn’t spoken to you?”

“No, but as long as he’s ok, that’s the main thing,” Callum tried to put a positive spin on things but he knew Lola hadn’t bought it.

The next two weeks dragged slowly. Callum had texted Ben once more, after the coffee with Lola to apologise and, unsurprisingly had received nothing in reply. Maybe once Ben was back at the station and he could apologise in person then Ben would listen to him…. that was the only thing keeping Callum sane. If he had been asked about anything that happened during those two weeks he would have been hard pressed to say anything. He kept his head down, avoided socialising with the others and only asked Lola for sporadic updates on Ben when he felt able to.

Just before the day when Ben was due back at work, he was slumped watching another Netflix drama that didn’t really grab his attention but helped keep his mind busy when Lola rang. 

“Hey,” she greeted him, voice soft. “How are you?”

“Ok, thanks,” Callum was instantly on guard, why did she sound like that?

“How are you feeling about tomorrow, seeing Ben again?”

Callum took a deep breath, trying to rationalise his thoughts. “I’m not sure to be honest, Lo, I don’t know what’s going on with him.”

“He’s being an idiot, that’s what’s going on with him. Look, I don’t know really what happened between you two but he is being a right dick to you. Don’t give up on him, Cal, no matter what he says or does.”

But that was the problem, Callum reflected, the next day. If Ben said or did something to him then he would be able to deal with things, apologise, try to move on. But the Ben that turned up to the station was like in his text messages - in his eyes it was like Callum didn’t exist anymore. He was polite when directly asked a question, but coldly polite like the past months had never happened. He tried to avoid Callum as much as possible, spending time in his office which he had never done before and ignoring him when the watch were all together. 

After the first two days of excruciating tension, Callum found Ben at the end of the night shift in his office, sitting behind his desk, shuffling paper around. It was the first time since that kiss in the locker room that they had been in the same place alone together and Callum was nervous. But seeing Ben in his office was too good a chance to miss at actually trying to apologise. He shut the door behind him, noticing the stiff stance of Ben’s shoulders immediately as he turned around to face the man. “Ben, I’m sorry,” he said before anything else could be uttered by either man.

“You got nothing to be sorry for,” Ben said, his voice as disinterested as his posture.

“Ben…”

“Look, Callum, I’ve missed three weeks of work. Got loads of paperwork to catch up on. I’ll see ya around, right?”

At the blunt dismissal, Callum could do nothing but leave, although his journey home was blurred by tears and he had no recollection of how he got there. 

The following week’s shifts were just as bad, and Callum knew there was no way back from this, he had lost Ben’s friendship and there was nothing he could do about it. The last shift of the week was the final straw for him, when two things happened that caused him to snap. The first was Ben chatting to Vinny and Martin in the kitchen whilst Callum just happened to be making a cup of tea, about his weekend hookups that he had had the last time they were off shift and what or who he was doing the following weekend. Loud, in great detail and highly explicit, Callum had tried to hide his tense shoulders as he got angry for the first time and had gone to hide in the toilets until he was able to face the others. Lola knew things were bad and she tried to help, but she and Jay were too close to Ben and Callum didn’t quite know what she had seen or knew and was reluctant to talk to her about what Ben had been getting up to, so he suffered his thoughts in silence. The second thing was more important. They had gone to a job on their last hour of their last shift of the pattern, a small fire which would normally have taken them minutes to sort out. But this time Ben had refused to talk to Callum properly, and it had led to Dotty being burnt as they had entered the second room. It had now got to the stage where Callum felt his job and his professionalism were being sacrificed and there was a risk of hurting others and he had had enough.

He went home for the four day off shift and switched his phone off totally. He didn’t want anyone calling him, trying to talk to him, asking him what was wrong. The first two days passed in a blur of alcohol and hurt and yes, now anger, as he tried to numb himself from the rejection and hurt. Sure, maybe he had messed up but he didn’t deserve this. After feeling sorry for himself for so long, he had had enough, knowing he was now strong enough in himself to do what was best for him and only him. So he sat the following day with a sheet of paper and made two lists, pros and cons, of the job. And when he looked back on it on the last day off there was only one decision he could make. No matter what the pros were, the first and biggest con was at the top of the list.

_ You could get any of your friends hurt _

And there was no way that Callum was going to let that happen.

The shift, thankfully, was quiet. It was Peter and Dotty’s turn for community service and there had been no emergency calls, just a flood situation that Ben had taken Jay, Lola and Martin on, leaving Callum and Vinny alone in the station. Callum had gone and chatted with Whitney for an hour or so to keep his nerves under control and then had avoided Jay and Lola for the rest of his shift. Jay had been mentioning another night out and there was no way he wanted to be there watching from afar as they had fun and drank loads. Lola had been giving him sneaky looks all day, he knew he looked awful, four days of drinking and contemplation like he had just had would make anyone look bad, and he knew she would try to talk to him, be caring and considerate and make him feel awful about what he was planning to do. He skipped lunch in the kitchen and instead hid in the back garden of the station away from prying eyes and concerned glances. His mind was resolute and he just had to bide his time.

At the end of the shift he hung back, waiting for the rest of the watch to leave. He waved Lola off, as she looked like she was waiting for him before he made his way through the quiet corridors to Commander Carter’s office. With hands that trembled no matter what he did, he knocked on the door and waited for Mick's voice to grant entry. 

Mick was working on some sort of paperwork as Callum entered, but he pushed it to one side and gestured for Callum to sit down. Callum tried to keep eye contact as he sat down gingerly, to look like there was nothing really wrong, and twisted his fingers together to try to keep calm.

“Callum,” Mick’s frown showed that he hadn’t been entirely successful in hiding his feelings. “How can I help you?”

There was no easy way to say it, so Callum took a deep breath and blurted it out. “I’d like to request a transfer please, Commander.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse before they get better, but they do get there, I promise!!
> 
> Warnings: depiction of fire

Mick steepled his fingers and looked at Callum silently. This was the worst - if he had shouted or pleaded then Callum would have known how to handle things, but this quiet contemplation almost ruined him. He took a firm hold of his army training and kept eye contact despite wishing he could flee. In the end, Mick inhaled sharply. “Can I ask why?”

“I’m just not sure I fit in here. I don’t want to put anybody in danger, so it’s best for me to go elsewhere.” Callum made sure his voice was firm and calm despite the churning in his stomach. 

Mick continued with that steely contemplation, like he was trying to see inside Callum’s head to what was actually happening. After a few more minutes, he sighed. “Leave it with me Callum, ok? Go and get a good night's sleep, you look like you need it.”

Callum thankfully made his exit, realising if he had stayed any longer he would probably have blurted out everything and what would that have made him? He was convinced he would not sleep that night, but it seemed making the decision and actually telling someone had calmed the maelstrom in his mind and he fell asleep on the couch watching some geeky documentary.

The next day, despite cramp and achy shoulders from sleeping in a place that was not suitable for someone with such a lanky frame, was the first day in what seemed like forever that he actually felt good. He knew he was like this, once he had made a decision and had a plan he was fine but the worry and the indecision tended to make him panic. But he had grown so much since he had started working at Walford that he wanted to do this for him, for his own well-being and no one else’s.

He even felt better just after breakfast, when the entire watch except Jay were in the kitchen, lounging around and gossiping, watching Peter and Vinny try to outdo each other at lunges. Even Ben was still there, hip cocked against one of the kitchen drawers. Callum sat at the opposite side of the room next to Dotty, smiling at the antics of Vinny trying to knock Peter’s legs out from under him and trying not to look over at the captain. Even though Ben wouldn’t even look at him, the presence of him there was calming and god, Callum missed his friendship so much it was like a gaping hole in his chest.

However, the feeling soon stopped, as Jay came storming into the kitchen. His eyes were flashing dangerously and he seemed to be vibrating. They all stopped immediately, Ben standing up from his lounging position, Lola moving closer to her boyfriend, Vinny and Peter sitting on the floor. “Jay?” Ben asked, in a soft voice.

Jay said nothing at first, eyes sweeping around the room until they landed on Callum where he was sitting in between Dotty and Martin. Callum had been trying to avoid his eyes - he  _ knew  _ exactly what was going on with Jay and wanted to curse his own luck for thinking it would have been that easy, but as Jay surveyed him, he knew there was no avoiding things. 

“I need a word with you. Now,” Jay snapped, shortly and without giving anyone time to say anything else he turned and swept back out of the kitchen. Silently, Callum stood up and followed him out, trying not to notice the looks of surprise on everyone else’s face.

He followed Jay into the locker room, sitting down on one of the benches and clasping his fingers together as he looked up at the other man. Jay was pacing up and down the room. “So, I got called to see Commander Carter this morning, he had some interesting things to ask me. Can you guess what, Callum?” He stopped, sitting down heavily on the opposite bench and dropped his forehead into his hand. “Don’t look at me like that, with those innocent eyes on. Why are you leaving?”

“You know why, Jay, it’s not exactly been easy round here recently,” Callum ducked his head, more to hide his face from Jay than anything else.

“We can work something out surely, no one wants you to leave!”

Callum raised an eyebrow. “Not everyone,” he mumbled.

Jay reached over to him, resting a hand on his arm. “Look, Callum,” he started, more gently than anything else he’d said the whole time, but he was interrupted.

“What’s going on?” Lola was standing in the doorway, arms crossed and eyes narrowed as she stared at the two of them sitting down. What was worse was that Ben was there, behind her, face carefully blank.

“Callum’s put in a transfer request to Mick.” Jay said flatly.

“Wait, what?” Ben pushed forward so he was standing next to Lola and Callum was well aware this was the first voluntary contact Ben had made with him in five weeks. He looked down and away, anger suddenly coursing through his veins. “What does it matter to you, anyway,” he said bitterly.

“Callum…..” Ben actually sounded anguished but Callum couldn’t, wouldn’t look at him, and he stood up to push past the trio and just get away.

Lola grabbed his arm as he reached her. “This is ridiculous, you two need to sort this out right now. Can’t you just talk about it like normal people?” She demanded.

For the first time since this mess had started, Ben was looking at him, swallowing hard, eyes full of something that Callum couldn’t quite place. The minute he looked at Ben, he wavered, the conviction he had that he was doing the right thing faltering in the face of the man before him. They were both frozen, staring at each other. He was sure Lola was going to do or say something when the tension was broken, not by any of them, but by the loud siren ringing out.

That made Callum come back into himself, and ignoring the second plea of his name from Ben, he sprinted to get changed. He knew the others were too, there was nothing else they could do. Lola touched his fingers once, as he was pulling on his jacket, eyes so soft he could almost cry. “We’ll sort this out when we get back, right,” she said, although he guessed it was more of an order than a request.

Mick was waiting for them by the engines, his face set and worried, in his firefighting clothes. “Warehouse fire,” he called out loud enough so they could all hear. “Not sure how bad it is. We’re closest so we’ll go and check it out, see if we need backup and do what we can. Keep safe, all of you.”

He climbed into the first engine, and as they sped off Peter sighed a deep breath. “If Mick’s coming it must be bad,” he suggested.

“Yeah,” Jay looked backwards from his driving position as he spoke grimly. “Keep your nerves guys, and follow all instructions. It’s gonna be a bad one.”

“Your first one, ah,” Lola whispered to Callum, “you’ll be fine, just trust in all of us - that means Ben too, alright?”

“Yeah, sure,” Callum nodded, trying to keep the nerves at bay from what was obviously a very serious situation.

When they reached the warehouse it was obvious how serious the task actually was. A large two storey building, flames were already shooting out of most of the ground floor windows and there was evidence of flames and smoke on the second floor too. Mick set up a command centre from the first engine and the two fours of Green Watch went in to see what they could find. Callum’s team went further in to the back of the ground floor, through the heat, smoke and flames. It felt like hell to Callum, a burning inferno, silent except for the breathing of the others and the crackling of the flames. Mick was talking over their radios: “all souls accounted for, Ben, what’s it like in there?”

“Too much fire for us alone Commander, we need backup and high pressure hoses I think, Jay, what’s it like back there?”

“Much the same, boss, we’re just doing a sweep.” Jay was close to Callum, but he couldn’t quite see him anymore though the ash filled air. He tapped Jay on the shoulder and gestured towards the final room at the back. Jay nodded his head and gestured for him to go on, signalling he was going to find Lola. 

As Callum took a sweep around the back room, he heard Ben’s voice over the radio, tight and concerned underneath the usual calm tone. “All teams pull out now, we’ve just been informed there’s highly flammable material on the top floor and we need to clear the area immediately,”

“Green one all out and accounted for, Ben,” Martin's voice sounded.

“Me and Lo are on our way out,” Callum heard Jay confirm too. “Peter, Cal, get yourselves out.”

Callum was about to click on the radio to let Jay know he was on his way out when Peter's voice came over instead, “Ben, I’m trapped.”

“What, where are you?” Ben still sounded calm despite this.

“I’m in the printer room, a damn table has fallen on my leg and I can’t get it off.”

“Hold tight mate, we’ll be there as soon as we can.”

Callum knew that despite the reassurance there was nothing that could be done once the team were outside until backup arrived and the state of the fire left no doubt in his mind that Peter didn’t have all of that time. “I’m still inside, Peter, I’ll come help you,” he said.

“What, Callum, no, you need to get out now!” Ben snapped and suddenly for the first time a note of panic, of worry had crept into his voice.

“I’ll be there soon. Pete, just hold on,” Callum deliberately ignored Ben and to ensure he couldn’t hear any more orders he switched his radio off and then made his way back out into the corridor. He could see the exit, a rectangle of light in the distance, and he was well aware that the smoke and the flames were worse than they had been before he had entered the room at the back. He pushed on to the printer room which was half way between his position and the exit and, on entering the room, saw Peter, flat on the floor, with a heavy wooden table on his right leg. His face was pale under the mask but he broke into a watery smile when Callum appeared. “Thanks, mate,” he said.

“No worries, are you hurt?”

“No, I don’t think so, just trapped. Leg feels ok still.”

“Right then, let’s get you out,” Callum surveyed the room, shrugged off his mask and oxygen tank and then slid his arms under the table. Between Callum’s lifting and Peter flexing his legs they were able to lift the table up enough for Peter to wriggle out. 

As he staggered to his feet, Peter grabbed Callum's arm, testing his ankle and both men heaved sighs of relief at the fact that he could put all his weight on it still, probably bruised but nothing more serious. The radio had been buzzing throughout and Peter grabbed his and let the teams outside know; “all ok, Cal and I are on our way out!”

“Good.” Ben’s reply was short and sharp, showing his obvious concern and annoyance at the two of them. To try to appease the captain, Callum waved Peter off whilst he grabbed his stuff from the floor and shouldered them on. He decided to leave the mask off and just place the tank over one shoulder as it would literally take seconds to get out of the building. 

By the time he made the corridor he couldn’t see Peter ahead of him through the smoke. His radio was still switched off and he momentarily wished he had actually put on his equipment properly as it was obviously deteriorating quickly inside.  _ Stop thinking and start running you idiot!  _ he chastised himself and started to make his way out.

Around half way to the door a sudden loud cracking noise made him stop and swing around, in time to see a massive beam, completely burning, come hurtling from the upper ceiling a few metres away from him. Suddenly frightened he span back around and found the exit route also blocked, by a wall of fire and as he stopped still, mouth dropping open in the realisation he was trapped, another groan sounded. It was just like the sound of fresh snow avalanching from the side of a mountain, a rocket ship starting up to fly into space, a glacier caving, a loud rumble of thunder. But it was worse than all that. This time, the beam crashing down was directly above him and there was nowhere he could go. The last thing he thought as he stared upwards was  _ crap, I’ve messed up _ and then nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to post the next chapter later today so you’re not left hanging too long.  
> Seems I like to keep writing Callum whump!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting there slowly....
> 
> 2nd chapter of the day.

The first thing Callum was aware of was that his head was pounding, like a hammer was breaking rocks inside his skull. There was a bright white light behind his eyelids and he could hear his alarm on his phone going on shrilly, although it seemed like it was underwater or left in the hallway.  _ How much have I drank? _ he thought to himself as he tried to move to switch the annoying beeping off. And then he realised, he couldn’t move. He couldn’t even feel his hands, let alone wriggle his fingers, couldn’t open his eyes. Panic set in, he could feel his breathing picking up, hear the alarm clock beeping getting shriller….. wait, alarms didn’t change when he panicked normally, did they? 

He forced himself to calm down, tried to unglue his eyes. It took a few minutes for them to flutter open and he shut them back immediately as realisation drew in.  _ The fire, the beam, Peter, Ben ….  _ He was in hospital. What had happened? He thought he was going to die, trapped in that warehouse, once the beam had fallen on him, but now, he was alive, in hospital, no pain apart from the banging in his head, couldn’t move his arms…. he tried to take in slow breaths, and as he did he could feel his body again for the first time since he had become coherent. His legs, his feet were there, he wriggled his toes to check. Back and chest felt strange - not painful but constricted, tight, not right… he became aware of his arms, one linked to the IV by his bed, the other to what was obviously a heart monitor….his hands were his biggest fear as he couldn’t move his fingers on either one.

He forced his eyes open again, blinking in the sudden influx of bright bright light - how long had he been asleep for? As he became more acclimated to the stark white of the hospital room he became more aware of why he couldn’t move his hands. His right was in a cast, bound across his chest, up to the first knuckles of his fingers. His chest itself was covered in tight bandages, the sheet pulled half the way down so he could see them stretching across his ribs. And the reason why he couldn’t move his left hand was that it was clasped tightly between two others, the owner of these hands slumped over the side of the bed, a head of dark tousled hair pressing against the skin of his knuckles. Ben was sleeping, breath shaky, shoulders jerky, a heavy weight against Callum’s hand and side. 

Callum wasn’t sure what to do, staring in disbelief at the sight of Ben at his bedside. He tried to speak, but all that came out of his dry throat was a croak. Instead he flexed his fingers that were entwined with Ben’s. It seemed that Ben was sleeping extremely lightly, for the minute that Callum’s fingers had tightened within his, he gave a snuffling snore and shook his head. Then, as he realised Callum’s fingers were squeezing his, he sat up slowly, raising his head and staring at Callum like he was the sun. “Cal,” he whispered.

Callum was shocked at the sight before him. Ben was pale, eyes red rimmed and sore, hair tousled like fingers had been run through the strands repeatedly.  _ Peter, Peter, Peter  _ his brain screamed at him but he couldn’t form the words. “Ben…” he tried to say but again, the words came out so scratchy and croaky he was sure Ben didn’t hear him.

Those mesmerising blue eyes that had always captured his imagination were full of an emotion Callum couldn’t decipher, but they grew softer and gentler at the sounds falling from Callum’s lips. Ben untangled one hand, keeping the other wrapped around Callum’s, and reached over for a glass of water with a straw that he offered to Callum. Callum drank like it was nectar, but Ben only let him have a little before taking it back. He finally spoke again, voice worn and ragged. “You’re awake, thank god.”

Callum forced himself to speak, dreading the answer but needing to know what had made Ben look like this. “Peter?” He whispered.

A look he couldn’t read flitted across Ben's face, and he took a deep breath. “He’s fine,” he breathed. Callum could see the barriers reforming in those icy blue eyes and was powerless and too damn weak to be able to do anything. Ben dropped his hand, stood up and Callum missed the pressure, his presence immediately. “I’m just gonna…. I’m gonna get a nurse, tell them you’re awake,” he gave a half smile before backing away, eyes never leaving Callum until he left the room.

Nurses filled the next hour or so, doing checks, calling his doctor, asking him questions that he tried to answer. When his doctor came in, sat down and ran through his injuries he realised how lucky he had been - fractured wrist that had required pinning, four broken ribs and numerous bruised ones, a burn across his shoulder and back, bruised spine and a nasty head injury that had caused a compression and had meant he had lost the last three days since the accident. He was so drugged up with painkillers that he currently had no pain, but the tightness in his chest when he breathed and the pounding in his head that would not stop gave him an idea of how much it would hurt once the drip was removed. He asked about his phone so he could contact Stuart as his only family but it hadn’t been handed in and he realised he had no way of contacting anyone, let alone his brother or someone else, say Ben…

Ben didn’t return, but a few hours later when visiting time had started, he was trying to nap when the door to his room banged open and Lola, Jay, Martin, Dotty and Vinny piled in. “Hey Callum!” Martin called as they shut the door behind, “you’re alive!”

“Shut it, Martin, you know he’s only supposed to have 2 visitors!” Dotty hit him on the arm, shaking her head and then sitting down next to Callum with a soft smile. “ how are you, mate?”

It was lovely to see them, they brightened Callum’s room with their infectious laughter and chatter, they had brought him flowers and a little teddy bear with get well soon printed on its T-shirt, but he couldn’t relax fully. The elephant in the room was too big to ignore.

When they left after about an hour, he plucked up his courage and stretched out his good hand for Lola’s elbow as she lingered, giving him a final kiss goodbye on the cheek. “Can I ask you something, Lo,” he whispered.

“Sure, sweetie,” she gestured for Jay to wait outside and sat back down, fingers curled loosely around his.

“Is Peter OK?”

Confusion coloured Lola’s eyes, she hadn’t been expecting that question. “Yeah, he’s fine, a little shaken and a bruised ankle but not injured at all. Why?”

Callum released a breath he had unconsciously been holding, feeling the tension and worry seep out of him. “It’s just, Ben was here when I woke up and he looked awful, and Peter’s not here now so I just thought something had happened to him,” he explained.

Lola rolled her eyes at him and shook her head, but the smile she gave him was soft and she squeezed his fingers. “You’re an idiot, Callum, blind as well. And Ben he’s an idiot too. It’s not Peter he was worried about, it was you.”

“Me?” Callum couldn’t think, couldn’t get his head around this statement. “But… but….”

“You know, he’ll kill me for this but he needs a kick up the butt to actually start talking to you, so who cares? Cal, Ben’s been gone on you since you started at the station. All I’ve had for months now is Callum’s so great, Callum’s so gorgeous, Callum’s so kind, Callum’s too good for me, Callum’s perfect…. when Peter came out of that warehouse with nothing wrong with him and said you were right behind him and then the whole thing just collapsed into a burning mess and you were still in there - I’ve never seen Ben like that. He went mental. Refused to follow Mick’s instructions to stay put, went back in and dragged you out by himself. Didn’t let anyone except the paramedics touch you, stayed with you in the ambulance. He wouldn’t go home for anything, he slept here, Jay and I had to force him to eat and bring clothes for him to wear…. he didn’t leave your side at all. Honestly Cal, he’s crazy for you.”

Callum tried to get his racing thoughts in some sort of order. “But he hasn’t spoken to me for five weeks.”

Lola shook her head again. “Ben has lots of self esteem issues and things have happened to him that make him think he’s not worthy of you. But he needs to talk to you about it.”

“That’s a bit difficult when he ran away when I woke up and I haven’t seen him since.” Callum said.

“Like I said, Ben’s an idiot. Leave it with me, Cal, I’ll get him here.” Lola smiled at him, pressed another kiss to his forehead and squeezed his fingers once more before leaving the room.

Callum spent the rest of that night trying to sleep instead of thinking over and over again about Lola’s words. He was partially successful due in part to the amount of painkillers he was being pumped with, and the following morning found him sitting up in bed with clear instructions that if his back or ribs started to ache he had to lie down. He was looking aimlessly through one of the trashy magazines Dotty had left the night before when a cough startled him. Looking up, he could see Lola waving from the window and a pale, nervous looking Ben hovering in the door.

“Can we talk? I mean it’s not like you’re going anywhere, right?” He asked, hands flexing at his sides.

“Sure,” Callum gestured to the chair next to him and Ben sat heavily, resting his head on his hand and just watching Callum. Callum said nothing, just looked back at Ben in return.  _ If he wants to talk, let him talk _ he repeated in his head over and over again, but he couldn’t help himself. “I’m so sorry Ben,” he apologised.

“What for?”

“For the kiss…. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad and I didn’t want to make you do anything you didn’t want to do.”

Ben looked startled. “No, Cal…. it’s me that should be apologising, you did nothing wrong. I wanted that kiss too, but I guess wanting it and actually getting it was not the same…. look, I need to explain. It’s not easy for me to talk about any of this, normally I don’t at all, that’s why I just have hookups and casual sex, means I don’t have to talk about my feelings or my past. But you’re different Cal and I should have told you this earlier.”

Callum just nodded at this, recognising Ben needed to just talk, and Ben hesitantly leaned forward and took Callum’s good hand in his, thumb slowly tracing circles over the skin of the back of it.

“I don’t have an easy relationship with my dad. The stuff I said to you, when your father hurt you, is stuff I should really say to myself. But I can’t, I can’t let him go and it’s always been like that. I’m not good enough for him and I’m not good enough for someone like you. Right from our first meeting, I knew you were special - and even though I tried to keep away I couldn’t. You became one of my closest friends Cal, and I knew I wanted more.”

Ben took a deep, shaky breath and Callum wanted nothing more than to comfort him. But he also knew Ben wouldn’t want that and so he waited. “The problem is - I’ve been in love before. Paul. He was beautiful, kind, sweet, lovely, funny, I thought we’d be together forever. My dad never really accepted us, he calls Paul my friend, even now. I was happy, Callum. And then one night out, we got beaten up by some thugs - because we were gay. I was ok - a few bruised ribs, minor stuff but Paul…. he died. Never woke up. I was devastated. I didn’t know how I’d get through it. Jay and Lo were amazing, they helped, I got into the fire service and dedicated myself to that. Never planned on meeting someone again that I could want to have a relationship with. I’m too damaged, have too much going on with my dad, and I couldn’t put anyone else in the same danger Paul was put in.”

He paused, thumb now stroking gently over Callum’s knuckles. “Then you turned my world upside down. And when you kissed me, I wanted it so badly. I’d been dreaming of it for so long. But then I couldn’t stop thinking, about my dad, about Paul, about you getting hurt or dying because of me and it was easier to just not talk to you. I thought you’d get over me in time. When I found out you wanted a transfer it was the worst moment I’d been through recently. Although you soon trumped that one with the most stupidly heroic rescue I’ve ever seen. You are so special to me Callum, you deserve the world and I’d like the chance to give it to you, if you’d allow me to.”

Callum didn’t know what to say for a few moments after Ben had finished. He wanted on one hand to pull Ben in his arms and never let him go but the other part of his brain, the one that had been through hell since the kiss was still racing. “Easier for who, Ben? You didn’t speak to me for five weeks,” he said eventually.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

Callum paused, leant his head back. He didn’t want to upset Ben, didn’t want to ruin any chance they had of happiness in the future but he had to do this for himself. “Thank you for telling me that - I know it was hard. But Ben you’re not damaged and you are good enough for anyone. You deserve happiness as much as anybody else. I think you need to do that for you, not for me or for anyone else. These last five weeks without any contact from you have been so hard. I thought it was me, that I’d upset you but you wouldn’t even tell me why or let me try to make things better. I appreciate knowing the truth…. but I need time to think. I can’t decide right here and now just after everything that’s happened. It’s got to be the right choice for both of us and I don’t think we’re in the right mindset right now to be objective.”

Ben sighed. “I get it.”

“It’s not a no, Ben, I like you quite a lot too…. but I can’t say yes either yet.”

“Ok. Look, Cal, take all the time you need. You know where I am when you’re ready to talk. But for the record, I could quite easily fall in love with you, you know. You are pretty incredible Callum Highway, I just ….” Ben’s voice trailed away and he gave Callum’s fingers a last squeeze before letting go and standing up. He swiped a hand over his eyes. “I’ll talk to you soon, I hope?” And with a last, small smile he was gone.

It was a good job Callum was still hooked up the IV drip and his ribs and back were injured because at that point, it was so hard for him not to run after Ben, take him in his arms and kiss him senseless. Only the knowledge that he had to be sensible, for both of their sakes, kept him firmly in the hospital bed, but he couldn’t stop the track of tears from finally making their way down his cheeks as he stared into the corridor where Ben had just gone.


	10. Chapter 10

Callum spent the next few days thinking about what Ben had said and what it meant for them, for him. He had visits from the other members of Green Watch as they had been given the full week off after what had happened, but Ben stayed away, giving him the space and time he needed to make a decision. Lola and Jay knew what was going on, but they said nothing also, although Callum caught their looks each visit. He hated the hospital, hated the bright lights that made him unable to sleep, hated feeling so weak and useless and hated using resources when he was honestly (mostly) fine. He decided that he wanted to get out as soon as possible and so focused on ignoring the pain from his injuries, sitting up, walking around and trying to do everything in his power to make sure he was able to be sent home as quickly as he could.

On the third day he was in hospital, when the doctor came around for his check up, Callum was overjoyed to be told that if he could have someone to help him at home he would be discharged that day. Letting the nurses think that there was someone who would help, he packed up his belongings and then sat and wondered how he was going to actually get home. His mobile and wallet were still at the fire station and he had just made up his mind that he would have to get the taxi to go there first so he could grab his stuff when a knock on the door sounded and Lola stuck her head round. She frowned a little as she saw him, dressed and sitting in the chair. “Are you going home? You’ve only been awake for three days!”

Callum knew he wasn’t actually completely fine to be going home, his ribs in particular were incredibly painful but he wasn’t going to complain about being out of the hospital. “Yeah, as long as I’m careful. Got some strong painkillers too. Can I ask you a favour as you’re here? Could you drive me please? Got no money or phone at the moment.”

Lola sat on the edge of the bed, cautious eyes regarding him, knowing he was being positive and hiding the full amount of pain he was in. “Callum, I know you want to get home, but is this really sensible?”

“I don't need to be here, Lola, not like I have life threatening injuries is it?”

She closed her eyes, resigned to the decision but obviously still not liking it. “Fine, I’ll take you home.”

“Actually… if it’s OK, I’ve been thinking a lot, can you take me somewhere else first please?”

As they pulled up outside the flat, Callum could sense Lola watching him, grin on her face, eyes alight. “I’m glad you decided to come here,” she said.

“Just gotta hope it goes well,” Callum replied, with a wry smile.

“You need some help getting to the door?”

Callum wanted to say he was okay, but he knew he needed help. His ribs felt like they were crunching as he walked, the burn over his back and shoulder was sore under his T-shirt, his back ached with every step he took and his wrist just plain hurt. Without the IV drip of continuous painkillers he was actually unsure of how he would cope but the idea of being out of hospital, in a proper bed,  _ sorting things out _ had been too much to dissuade him. He was so tired, all he had done was get into a car and be driven by someone else and he cursed his body that such a small thing was such a colossal effort at this moment. He knew there was no way he would be able to get to the door by himself. In the end he nodded at Lola.

She got out of the car, grabbed his bag with his discharge notes and medication and slid underneath his good arm, taking his weight onto her shoulders. Together, slowly, they made their way up to the door of the flat. It was only a few metres up the path to the door but it felt like a marathon to Callum and he was thankful to lean against the doorframe whilst Lola buzzed the intercom. A few seconds later and the door opened and Callum saw him for the first time since the hospital confession.

Ben was still pale, dark shadows under his eyes and his mouth dropped open as he saw who was at his door. “Callum….” he whispered.

“Hi,” Callum smiled hopefully. “So, I’ve been discharged, thought maybe we could talk?”

He noticed Ben giving Lola a look and suddenly worried he’d misread the situation like usual, but Ben then shook his head, moved Lola out of the way so he was supporting Callum and walked them slowly into his flat. He sat Callum gently on his sofa and then went to grab the bag from Lola. Callum could hear their quiet conversation.

“Should he be here, Lo?”

“He was discharged Ben, I didn’t just turn up and kidnap him! Do you want me to take him to his own home?”

“No!! I just don’t want him to be hurt.”

“Or alone, which is what he would be in his own flat.”

He heard Ben inhale sharply, “thanks for bringing him here, Lo, I’ll make sure he’s ok.”

“He asked me to bring him here, Ben, I didn’t decide to do it. He wants to be here, with you, so just look after him, right?”

Callum heard the door close and then Ben was back, bag in hand as he sat down next to him. He took out the painkillers with a grimace as he saw the strength, and then leant forward and cupped Callum’s cheek, brushing his fingers gently through the short hair above his ears. With a start, almost like he had realised he was doing something without Callum’s consent, he made to withdraw them. Callum acted on impulse, raising his good hand and cupping the back of Ben’s, keeping his fingers pressed to his head and nuzzled into the palm that was soft against his cheek. He closed his eyes for a second and when he opened them, Ben was staring at him with a look of wonder in his eyes. He moved his thumb, softly stroking the thin skin under Callum’s eye. “Cal…” he breathed.

Callum wanted to kiss him but knew they had to do something first. “Need to talk, Ben,” he murmured, aware he was slightly slurring his words from pain and exhaustion.

“It can wait, you need to rest first,” Ben whispered back, quiet and soft in the afternoon light. His fingers still combed through Callum’s hair, grounding him, calming him, making him warm from the inside out. “You need to lie down? You can use my bed, it’s better than the sofa.”

Carefully, slowly, tenderly, Ben helped him to his bed. Callum was too exhausted to notice anything except he couldn’t believe how tiring just moving from hospital to Ben’s flat had been and then how soft Ben’s bed was. As he tried to get comfortable he grabbed hold of Ben’s hand. “Stay? Please?” he asked quietly.

He felt rather than saw Ben slide onto the bed next to him. “Yeah, Cal, I’m here,” he heard and he turned blindly towards the sound, finding Ben next to him and carefully curling up into the warmth of him. He felt Ben’s fingers, feather light, brushing through his hair again, and for the first time in days, he dropped off into sleep quickly and easily.

When Callum woke up, he took a few minutes with his eyes closed to find his bearings. Was he still in the hospital? But the light was different and he was more aware of the pain in his ribs and back and the pillow wasn’t as comfy as normal and…. with a gasp he opened his eyes as he remembered where he was. He was lying on Ben’s bed, with his head nestled in the lap of the man in question. Ben had one arm around Callum, fingers running slowly and gently up and down his arm, the other holding his laptop so he could watch some movie, volume on so low Callum couldn’t make out the words. At Callum’s movement, he looked down, fingers stilling, and smiled so gently that Callum felt his heart fill and burst. “Hey,” Ben whispered.

“Hey,” Callum whispered back, trying to sit up and then wincing as his ribs protested even that small movement.

Ben’s eyes filled with concern and he shut the laptop lid and reached over to the bedside cabinet for a glass of water and Callum’s pills. He handed them to Callum who now had to try to blink back tears from his eyes. He had showed up at Ben’s flat, given no real explanation as to why but had still been welcomed into his home, into his bed. Ben had obviously stayed the whole time Callum had slept, only getting up to fetch his laptop and Callum’s medication, and had done so without any idea of what Callum was going to say or do after the heartfelt confession of a few days ago. Callum had never been more in love in his life.

He took the pills thankfully and tried to settle into a more comfortable position. It looked like Ben was going to leave him and on instinct he reached out, taking Ben’s hand firmly in his. “Don’t go, please?”

“I was only going to get you a cup of tea, but if you insist,” Ben grinned at him and for a second it was like the past month hadn’t happened. But the smile faded from Ben’s face and he swallowed. “Do you want anything? Food, the loo?”

_ You. I want you  _ Callum thought but didn’t dare voice that, at least not just yet. His fingers played with Ben’s. “To talk?”

“Ok.” Ben hesitated, opened his mouth like he was going to say something and closed it again. He looked down and picked at the duvet cover with the hand that wasn’t being held by Callum.

Callum took a deep breath  _ now or never, Highway  _ he told himself. “Thank you for being so honest with me, it can’t have been easy to talk about. I get you freaked out about the kisss, but not speaking to me for five weeks… Ben that was really shitty. Anything would have beeen better than that, even just letting me down gently,”

“Callum….” Ben whispered

“But I know what’s best for me and that’s you Ben. You make me a better person and I’m happier with you. So if you still want me, I’m yours. None of this ‘you’re too good for me Callum’, just me and you, giving things a go.”

There was a moment of silence after Callum had finished speaking and then, with a choked off whimper, Ben lunged at him, hand grabbing Callum’s upper arm, pausing just inches away from him, so close Callum could feel his breath on his cheek, see the flecks of gold and grey in his beautiful eyes. “Can I kiss you,” he breathed and at Callum’s nod, he leaned in, closing the gap.

This kiss was nothing like the first one, Ben dictating the pace and Callum just clinging on for the ride. Ben kissed him like he was a parched man in the desert, like there was nowhere else he wanted to be. Soft lips, biting kisses, the warmth of his mouth and the slow curl of his tongue made Callum moan into the kiss, trying to get closer and deeper. It didn't last long, as the kiss grew in intensity Callum realised he couldn’t breathe through the flash of heat in his ribs and had to pull back with a groan of pain. He rested his forehead against Ben’s and tried to breathe normally. Ben swallowed, pupils dilated, hands stroking Callum’s back and side. “God, Cal, I forgot. Are you OK?”

“I’m sorry,” he wheezed but Ben shook his head and dropped a butterfly kiss to the tip of his nose. 

“Not your fault, hero,” he brushed another kiss, light, soft over Callum’s lips, catching his bottom lip for a second in between his own. “You want to do this then, really?” He asked, hesitantly, unsure, like he couldn’t really believe Callum was here.

Callum couldn't stop pressing more featherlight kisses to Ben’s lips, the soft whimpers causing heat to flare in his stomach and in his chest, “Yeah. I do. So much. But I’ve got two conditions” he whispered in between their mouths, neither of them willing to separate far from each other. 

“I want this too, Cal. So so much. I’ll do anything you want,” Ben promised. He pulled away from Callum so he could look him in the eyes. “What are your conditions?”

Callum hesitated, the look in Ben’s eyes causing him to shiver . “Get rid of those dating apps. I can’t deal with you having any more hookups.”

“I deleted them a few weeks after I met you, Cal,” Ben huffed, fingers now stroking up to Callum’s cheek, unable or unwilling to stop touching him. Callum understood the feeling, he never wanted to let go either, and so he let the fingers on his good hand trail down Ben’s side, resting on his hip. He looked down, avoiding Ben’s eyes.

“You told Vinny and Martin you’d been hooking up a few weeks ago…”

Been slid a finger under his chin and tilted his face upwards to look into his eyes. “I’m an idiot, I thought we’d already established that? I lied. Trying to kid myself and fool you into thinking you meant nothing to me. I didn’t. I haven’t looked at anybody but you for months.”

“Ok,” it made Callum feel better, knowing there had been no random guys. He bit on his lip, noticing Ben’s eyes darken as they tracked the movement. “I believe you. The second thing… talk to me. If I do something or you’re not happy, just say something, anything. I don’t think I could cope with you ignoring me again.”

“I’ll try,” Ben hesitated. “It’s hard, I don’t talk about my feelings much, but for you, I’ll try.”

“That’s all I ask,” Callum smiled at Ben, “thank you. Do you have anything you want me to do?”

Ben considered, head tilted to one side, eyes crinkling and twinkling. “Obviously with one eye on your injuries…. but we could practice the stop, drop and roll manoeuvre…” Callum started laughing at that, hand pressed against his ribs, shaking his head in disbelief, and Ben grinned back in return, sliding closer if possible. “Oi babe, don’t laugh at my pick up lines, I have loads more where they came from!”

“Yeah, I bet,” Callum returned, eyes fond as he wrinkled his nose.

Ben just smiled at him. “Ok, no pick up lines then, your loss! So how about you just kiss me instead?” He suggested softly and Callum was more than happy to oblige.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there, just the epilogue to go! Thank you all so much for sticking with this fic!


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for kind comments and kudos left on this story - it means such a lot to me!!  
> Hope you enjoy the happy ending - it’s a bit cheesy but neither the boys nor I could resist it seems!!!

Callum blinked at the sound of his alarm clock, the room still dark but the excitement of his first day back at the station after six weeks woke him up instantly. Beside him, Ben grumbled into his pillow, rolling closer to Callum and tucking his head into his shoulder. “Five more minutes,” he mumbled, lips against Callum’s collarbone.

Callum shuddered at the feeling, he wasn’t sure he’d ever believe this was now his life. After the first day when he’d discharged himself from the hospital and turned up at Ben’s flat, he actually hadn’t left. Ben had been there through every step of his recovery, helping him when his ribs were so painful he couldn’t even walk to the toilet, when he’d been so overcome at the angry red burn across his shoulder that he’d wept and when he had worried that his right hand wrist, after the operation and having a pin inserted in it, would never be strong enough to allow him back to the fire service. Ben had comforted, held, kissed and made him smile and laugh through all of it and Callum had firmly fallen in love with him before a week had passed.

Ben had refused to do nothing but kiss him though, whilst he’d been recovering, mainly due to the fact that Callum could not do anything without his ribs becoming burning flames of agony. They were better now, still not right, but he’d learnt to live with the pain. Three weeks ago, he’d gone for his checkup and had his wrist cast removed and ribs checked over to ensure they were healing properly. He still got warm when he remembered asking the consultant if he could now do some physical exercises and she had winked at him and said that sex was fine as long as he was careful. He hadn’t told Ben all of that, but it wouldn’t have made much difference - the minute he was back from work and had heard Callum’s news, Ben had taken him to bed and they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other since.

Callum shifted in bed so he was on his back, still the most comfortable position since the accident, letting his fingers trail gently down Ben’s spine. “We need to get up, or we’ll be late,” he told his boyfriend.

Ben opened one eye, blinking at him. “I can get Lo to stall Mick, she owes us after that disaster date last week,” he suggested.

“Ben….” Callum laughed fondly, pressing his lips against Ben’s cheek.

“Callum….” Ben moaned in response, moving so suddenly Callum was sure he had pretended to be so sleepy, throwing one of his legs over Callum’s and swinging his body around so he was straddling his thighs, chest to chest. He leaned his head down and nuzzled his nose against Callum’s, eyes warm in the dim light in the bedroom. “Morning beautiful.”

Callum pressed up for a kiss, hopeless in the face of this amazing man who he thought the world of. Ben hummed contentedly into the kiss, deepening it, sliding his hand down Callum’s side to his hip under the duvet. Slow, lazy and drugging, Callum whimpered into his mouth, hooking one of his legs over Ben’s and stroking his calf with his foot. He loved this, loved him, so much it made his chest hurt sometimes. As they broke for breath, he pulled Ben down so his forehead rested against his and he could stare into those blue eyes, which were now darkening to almost black. “Maybe it won’t matter if we’re a little late,” he suggested breathlessly.

Ben smiled at that, his fingers creeping lower under the duvet, making Callum gasp against his lips. “Now you’re talking babe,” he whispered, closing the gap between them once more and Callum forgot about the time as he succumbed to Ben’s kisses, fingers and body. 

They were late, even after Callum had rushed them through a shower and breakfast, but as he watched Ben drive them to the station and thought about the perfectness of their morning, he couldn’t be upset over it. It blew his mind every day that he got to have this, every morning and every night with someone who got him and who looked at him with such desire and adoration. As they got out of the car at the fire station Ben quirked a smile at him and took his hand. “Penny for them?” He asked, running his thumb gently over Callum’s knuckles. 

“Just thinking how lucky I am,” Callum admitted.

Ben stopped in front of Callum. “Pretty sure I’m the lucky one,” he said as he stood on his tiptoes and pressed his lips briefly against Callum’s in a sweet kiss. “Just don’t go doing any of the stupid heroic things again, alright?”

Callum laughed at that, and kissed Ben back, lips lingering for a second. “I’ll be more careful,” was all he promised.

Ben rolled his eyes at that but said nothing more, grabbing Callum’s hand again and pulling him towards the station. They both knew they couldn’t promise anything more than that - their jobs were too dangerous to and they would never know if this could be their last shift, but as long as they had each others back, they would be fine. When Mick had realised they were together, he’d offered Callum the choice to move to a different shift, but they had decided together to stay on Green Watch- Callum trusted Ben like no one else in the world and he was proud that Ben felt the same about him. Plus, Ben had pointed out if they were on different shift patterns they’d have no time for each other - although those weren’t the exact words he’d used and Callum still blushed bright red at the memory of that conversation with the commander.

He frowned as he realised they weren’t going into the station, but were heading to the back courtyard. “Ben, why aren’t we going in the main entrance?” he tried to point out, but his boyfriend ignored the commonsense part of the question and carried on dragging him around the building.

“Come on Cal, we’re going to be really late,” was all he said, huffing like it was Callum who had insisted on taking a shower together when he knew exactly how that was going to end.

“Well, who’s fault is that?”

“You weren’t complaining when I was demonstrating how skilled I am with my hose,” Ben smirked, causing Callum to shake his head and laugh fondly at his boyfriend. Ben smiled over at him adoringly and then stopped him at the edge of the courtyard, making him look over towards the back of the station. “Looks like we’re just on time actually,” he said, gesturing.

Callum had to pause for a second, overwhelmed and close to tears. The station were all out in the courtyard, all of the Green Watch team, Mick and Whitney, the other Watches too even though it was their off shifts, all the engines out of the shed with their blue lights flashing and a big banner spread between two of them with large letters proclaiming Welcome back Callum! across it. When they saw Ben and Callum, the assembled group broke into applause and cheers.

Ben noticed how overwhelmed Callum was and pulled him close, allowing him to hide his head for a second in Ben’s shoulder and get his breathing back to normal.

“What’s this for?” he whispered to Ben, raising his head although not stepping away from the warmth of his boyfriend’s body, trying to discreetly wipe his eyes, “I only did my job.”

“You saved one of us, baby, that’s not only anything,” Ben retorted and then he leaned forward and brushed his lips across Callum’s cheek, wiping a tear from it. “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart, so proud.”

Much later, when things were dying down and luckily after no calls had come in for help, Callum found himself sitting with Mick Carter, watching as Ben and the other six members of Green Watch tried to beat the Blue Watch team at an impromptu three legged race, laughter and shouts filling the air. Mick clapped him on the back. “Well done, Callum, you’ve done great here,” he said and that made Callum feel like he was flying. 

“Thanks, Mick, for giving me the chance,” he replied.

“Are you happy here?” Mick asked.

Callum found himself watching his watch mates, his  _ friends _ , Vinny and Dotty on the floor in giggles, Martin and Peter halfway across the courtyard determined to win, Lola screaming encouragement from the side and Ben and Jay arguing about who was in charge. Ben seemed to feel Callum’s eyes on him and he turned around, face breaking into a fond smile as he waved towards Callum, looking at him like he hung all the stars in the sky. Callum returned the smile and the wave. He had learnt being soft wasn’t a bad thing at all and that was thanks to the people in front of him. He had found the strength to grow and be himself and more than that he had found his soulmate, the one person in the world he would do anything for. He turned back to Mick. “Yeah. Yeah I am,” he admitted. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”


End file.
